Mother, I love you; mother, I do
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother, I love you; I love you, I do.
The primary children sang this in church today and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I couldn't help but cry. How I've longed to hear a child sing that to me. It's heartbreaking to not have that joy in my life.
I wasn't going to go to church today because it WAS Mother's Day. It hurts more and more as each year passes. Today was no different. Even worse, as the women were leaving sacrament meeting, the young men were handing out little flower pots and telling the women Happy Mother's Day. My eyes welled up with tears yet again. Of all the things in this world that I've desired, the desire to have a child of my own and to be a mother has been the greatest.
I was pregnant once. He/She would be 9 if I hadn't miscarried. The devestation that followed that miscarriage still hasn't been completely fixed. It's likely it never will be. I always thought that when I did have a child, it would go a long way to filling the void left by the miscarriage.
The feelings are so hard to express. When I found out I was pregnant, it was the weirdest thing. I had always wanted to be a mom. That's what little girls are supposed to want. And Mormon girls even more so. But I wasn't married, nor did I intend on marrying the father. I had broken off the engagement three weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I should have been scared. I should have been worried. But in the moment it took me to accept the fact that I was going to have a baby, I knew all my hopes and dreams had been fulfilled. I was inexplicably happy and even more thrilled that I was going to be a mom. I fell completely in love with my baby in that instant. I did everything that I needed to do to ensure that my baby would be healthy. Everything I did, I did for my baby.
Then on April 11, 2000, while I was in Seattle visiting the father, I miscarried. I was in complete shock. I still am. How could this happen?? Emotionally, I was destroyed. Spiritually, I was in darkness. Mentally, I was unstable. Physically, I was fine. There were the customary platitudes--"I'm so sorry", "I know how hard it is for you", "This won't be your only chance to have a baby", blah blah blah. I just wanted to hit everyone. There were those who could in some way relate because they had had a miscarriage but I couldn't accept that their devestation was a great as mine. Most of them either already had children or went on to have them. I did not. I have not. I'm not sure that I ever will.
Today was hard. I welled up with tears every other minute. My friend, Tyler, and I were texting and I told him today was a bad day. He asked why and I told him to think about it. This is how he responded to me: "well for what its worth michelle...youve been a mother to many young men who werent able to be around their own. continue to look @ways you can be a mother figure to others and I think you'll see where other happiness can be found. your amazing michelle!" Isn't that the greatest compliment?? To me it is. Even as I reread it, tears start running down my face. I know he's right. I just wanted it all and it doesn't appear that was meant for me. But I know that the love I have for those around me is a never-ending well. Just like a mother's love.
In the end, the day turned out alright. Wyatt was waiting for me when I got home. His tail was just a wagging. He jumped up and gave me a kiss and I knew that if nothing else, I was his mom. So, we packed up and we went to the dog park where he met a couple of new dogs and hung out with dogs he already knew. Just watching him play and then come over and sit by me for a while, mended this broken heart a little more. I love my Wyatt. He may not be the baby I wanted but he's the baby I'd never give away!!
