Suicide is Painless

'Cause suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please

and you can do the same thing if you please.

A lot of attention has been given to the death of Sandra Bland.  Plenty of people, especially her family, do not believe she committed suicide.  This belief comes from the fact that she appeared happy and was living a happy and blessed life.  The more and more people I see people post pictures of her with her beautiful smile and comment that there is NO WAY she could have killed herself because she was so happy, I want to scream!!  No, I want to SCREAM!!!!




Let me let you in on a little secret.  My smile hides the darkness.  It hides the despair.  It hides the numbness.  My smile hides EVERYTHING I don't want you to see. 

Depression DOES NOT mean that I don't know how blessed I am.  Depression DOES NOT mean I am not fully aware of the love of those around me.  Depression DOES NOT mean that I don't know how much my Father in Heaven loves me.  Depression DOES NOT mean I am unaware of my worth.


I have suffered from depression for FOREVER it seems.  It sucks in a major way.  It's been over a year that I came close to suicide.  It's almost been a year since I checked myself into the hospital for a 72-hr psych hold.  It's been almost 6 months since I have contemplated suicide.  Needless to say, it has been a rough patch for me.


My family has never seen me at my worst.  My friends would FREAK if they ever saw it.  I say this because the only person who has seen me in my full-on depressive state got scared.  I mean, SCARED.  It was then after YEARS of yelling at me and not understanding and not WANTING to understand that he GOT it.  He could see it but even worse, he could FEEL it.  I allowed him to see EVERYTHING.  It was ugly and it scared him.  The depth of despair.  The complete apathy.  It was SO not "Michelle".


It comes as no surprise to me that Ms. Bland's family was unaware of her depression.  If it weren't for the fact that it runs in my family and I let them I was diagnosed, they wouldn't have a clue.  And even though they know my depression is chronic, they have been completely oblivious to how bad it really is.  I chose to hide it from them because of all the problems my family already faces. 


I was diagnosed in 2007.  I've been suffering from depression since 1993-ish.  It wasn't until 2 years ago that I started telling people that I suffer from depression.  It's only been in the past year that I have learned to embrace it. 


I am no longer ashamed of it.  It is part of who I am.  It is something I struggle with on a daily basis.  I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY!!  There are plenty of people who don't believe me because I am the one with the smile.  The one who makes them laugh.  The one who brings a positive energy to their days.  The one who never seems down.  And I am all that.  I also have to be VERY careful not to ignore my depression.  I can never forget about it.  That would be dangerous.


Heavenly Father blessed me with depression.  Somehow, somewhere, I will help someone because of it.  Don't get me wrong, I wish I didn't have it.  It sucks beyond all sucking.  My dark days are DARK and my good days are just a lighter shade of grey.  I worry about triggers ALL the time.  I don't know when one will occur and that drives me nuts.  But, I know that my experience will help someone. 


I mean, there has to be SOME good that comes out of this, right?? 


Just remember, it's REALLY dangerous to think that just because someone wears a smile and has everything to live for that they wouldn't kill themselves in an instant for sometimes no real reason.  I almost did.  If not for Heavenly Father's promptings and Albert listening to those promptings, I wouldn't be here.  That blackhole is one strong magnet.  It'll suck you in before you know it and your choice is no longer a choice. 


My advice to those who have friends who suffer from depression:  Watch them closely.  Pay attention.  We won't ask for help.  We ALWAYS think we can do it alone.  Don't offer advice.  Don't count their blessings for them.  DO SOMETHING.  Go and PHYSICALLY check in on your friend.  Don't take NO for an answer.  Sit with them.  Watch TV.  Have a beer with them.  Hold their hand.  Let them cry.  Just literally BE there and say NOTHING.