Who's Cheating Who...

So...A couple of weeks ago, I found out that Albert was already dating someone.  In fact, he started dating her rather quickly (about 3 weeks) after we broke up.  Of course, I was hurt.  I have been in an awful state of mind since the miscarriage so my reaction was a little crazy.

I then found out that he had been "talking" to her and other women LONG before we broke up.  I was devastated to say the least.  I got angry.  REALLY angry.

So, while he was on his cruise, I hacked into his Facebook.  LOL...I know!! 

I read everything that he hadn't deleted to date.  LOL...because he's a sneaky one!  He deletes all his messages from Facebook and texts.  He got into that habit long before I came along.  Reading everything, I discovered that he was doing to her what he was doing to me.  He was "talking" and "sex messaging" with several other women while telling her how he wanted to be with her.

Then I realized the dates of some of these messages were only a few days old.  Now, I don't know his new girlfriend but from everything I found, she seems like a really good woman.  Albert was telling her (according to him) that the other girls were "just friends".  And she was believing him.  I knew better because I had read the messages on FB.  So, the dilemma began.  Do I tell her??  Do I not tell her??  I mean she was falling for him and believing everything he was telling her.

I made myself sick over this.

Albert and I had lunch on Saturday.  It was really good.  We talked and I told him that she needed to know what was going on with him and that he had better because I was going to.  He said ok.  Well, he didn't.

So, I decided to tell her.  I wanted to meet her and talk to her face to face and she initially agreed.  But then it ended up being a text conversation.  I wasn't mean-spirited and I wasn't emotional about it.  I didn't give her specifics but I let her know that his "friends" were more than that.  I thought it went well.  I felt better.  He needs a good woman and she seems to be just that. 

THE AFTERMATH:

Albert called me that night and is cutting all ties.  And I can't see the kids.  He's incredibly angry.

I accept that.  I accept the consequences to my actions. 

I wanted to apologize to him and let him know that what I did was because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy and if that was going to happen, she needed to know.  So, I drove over there Thursday night to talk to him.  I prayed the whole way that I would say what I needed to say and that his heart would be softened and he would listen to me. 

I get to his house and there is a car there.  I knock and knock and knock.  He finally comes to the door and he sees it's me.  He comes out and is furious.  We talk...well, I talk.  I tell him that I didn't do it to be mean.  I told him that he knows me and he knows I'd never do something like that with a mean spirit.  I told him that I love him unconditionally.  I told him he is my best friend and I want him to be happy. 

He tells me that he is pissed.  He tells me that what I did was crossing the line and that I should have thought it through.  He tells me that I need to find another best friend ("Isn't that what you told me?").  He tells me that now her head is filled with ideas that didn't need to be there.

I ask if I can meet her. 

He then says.  It's not her inside.  It's Erica. 

I said nothing.  I gave him a hug and I left.  I felt really good about the way it turned out.  I said what I needed to say and he heard me.  I left happy.  The consequences still suck.  But now she knows, and what she does with it is up to her.  Maybe he'll straighten up and fly right.  I really hope so.  But only time will tell what kind of an impact my visit had on him.  Because he got LUCKY that it was me and not her.  And I can guarantee he was relieved.  lol...

So, here I sit.  Alone.  Missing my best friend.  Missing the laughs we shared.  Missing the kids.  I hope it works out for him.  And at the same time, I don't.  I love him.  I want him to be happy but deep down, I want it to be me.  I will be there for him because of the unconditional nature of my love for him.  It hurts like hell to see him or hear about him with another woman but he's happy and that is what is most important.  Right??  Right.

I Dreamed a Dream

 

I am no longer pregnant.

I will not be a mother.

I will not have a child.

Not now.

 

I dreamed a dream.  More than once.  I have felt this devastation, this anguish before.  It should be easier but it isn't.  It's worse. 

 

I was 31 the first time.  I had just called off my engagement only to discover that I was going to be a mom.  Never had I expected to feel love so deep for someone else.  Words cannot describe the wonderment, the awe, the sheer joy I felt.

 

And then I was lost.  Dead inside. 

 

Years have gone by.  My dream of being a mom has faded like the light fades into darkness. I had come to terms with never being a mom.  There have been young men and children throughout these years who have turned to me as they would have to their mother if she had been there.  So, I have been fulfilled to some degree by all these wonderful moments and these amazing young men and children.  That hole, that emptiness that once was vast had dwindled to a tiny corner of my heart. 

 

And then, hope found it's way back.  I tried not to think about it.  Ignore it.  Because if it was taken away from me again, I couldn't imagine the heartbreak.  I was younger before and the hope was there that it would happen again.  My youth is no longer with me.  My body is not as it once was.  The chances of losing my little bean were far greater than keeping it and I refused to open myself up completely to the hope. 

 

And now, I am empty.  Lost. 

 

I'm 44.  Not old but by no means young.  I'm plagued with doubt that I will ever get pregnant again.  I'm not even sure that I want to.  This pain is unbearable.  This anguish may consume me yet. 

 

I will grieve now.  The support of my family and friends has sustained me for the past few days.  Yes, I began to miscarry the day after my last post.  I am heartbroken.  There are no words that can comfort me.  No arms that can console me.  Peace will come but not right now.

 

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

 

Now life has killed

 

The dream I dreamed.



I'd Like to Teach the Word to Sing

One of my all-time favorite commercials!  How can you just not sing a-long with it??

 

I love Coca-Cola.  I always have!!

 

I always will... 

 

Most people who know me KNOW that I must have a Coke every morning.  It is my "coffee". 

Me without my morning Coke:

 

Me with my morning Coke:

 

 

I kid you not!!

 

Several years ago, I tried to quit my Coke habit.  I stopped drinking Coke cold-turkey.  I knew it would be rough on me, however I didn't realize how rough it would be on my co-workers.  My Coke deprivation only lasted 3 days.  Thursday morning I walked into the office and there on my cubicle desk was a 12 pack of Coke with a post-it that simply said PLEASE.   LOL...

 

I get really testy without my morning Coke.  My sister used to live with me and when I was home, she wouldn't come out of her room until she heard the distinct sound of me opening a can of Coke.

 





 

I told my employees that if I come across as being really snippy or testy to ask me "Have you had your Coke today?"  And they did!!  In fact they made sure to stock 8 ouces bottles in their desks to ensure I was never without!  In fact at my "Going Away" pot-luck, this is what they made for me...

 

 

I love Coca-Cola!!

 

I'm sure you are wondering why I am telling you all of this.  Well, because I can't drink Coke right now.  It isn't that I'm forbidden to drink it.  I just can't!!  It gives me the WORST kind of heartburn and if I don't get heartburn, it makes me nauseated.  I try to get a little in every morning so that if I should interact with anyone, I am pleasant.  I can barely finish an 8oz bottle of Coke.  I used to drink a 20oz bottle in about 2 minutes. 

 

I can't believe that this baby doesn't like Coke!  This is gonna be a FUN pregnancy!!  Heaven help us all!!  lol...

 

 

I have this sign!!  =)









Baby, Baby...

I'm taken with the notion

To love you with the sweetest of devotion

 

 

So, here's the scoop...

 

I am pregnant!!

 

 

That's right.  This woman is fixin' to have a baby.  Crazy, huh?? 

 

How could this have possibly happened??  Well...it wasn't my fault!!  Not really!!  Well, ok, it sorta was but I wasn't thinking.  I really didn't think through the consequences to my actions!  I really didn't!! 

 

See, back in late March, I started taking prenatal vitamins.  Not to get pregnant!!  To help grow my nails nice and strong.  Krystl (my sister) and I had really gotten into the natural nails and painting them all kinds of cool ways.  My sister got REALLY good at manicures and cool designs.  My nails, however, were weak and brittle.  There are all kinds of "remedies" for growing stronger, healthier nails and most of them are expensive.  Someone casually mentioned prenatal vitamins would do the trick and a big ole bottle of prenatal vitamins for $8 sure beat all the other "remedies".  So, I started taking them here and there and saw the results and began taking them religiously in March.

 

Here comes June and BAM!!  I'm pregnant. 

 

I am still in shock.  I don't quite know how to feel.  Excited??  Nervous??  Scared??  Elated??  Stupid??  Freaked??  Thrilled?? 

 

I'm 44 years old.  I have no insurance.  I work contract jobs.  AND I'M PREGNANT!!

 

I will be 9 weeks on Saturday.  I want to tell everyone but with my history of miscarriages, I'm not sure.  I've read all kinds of articles about it on the internet and most discourage telling anyone until after the first trimester.  The only thing is my support system are my friends who are NOT anywhere near me.  My family knows.  His family knows.  A few friends know.  I feel like I need everyone to know because I need their love, support and above all their prayers for a full-term pregnancy.  I understand that I have a high chance of miscarriage but if I should lose my baby, then I still have the love, support and even more importantly the prayers of everyone. 

 

Keeping this to myself has been incredibly difficult because I tell everyone everything about me.  I mean I don't keep very many things about me and my life to myself.  It drives some of my friends nuts that I "tell all my business"  but that's just how I am.  Open and honest about who I am. 

 

Back to this whole pregnancy thing!!  Holy Hannah!!  I'm 44 years old and pregnant!!  I still can't wrap my head around it!  I could almost forget that I am pregnant except the fact that my boobs hurt and I can smell EVERYTHING!!  I wake up every morning and feel my boobs to make sure they still hurt and that I'm still pregnant.  Weird, I know.  But having miscarried several times, the pain is a comfort to me. 

 

I am completely freaked out about everything right now.  Finances, especially.  I am looking for a permanent full-time position here in Houston that will get me off the road.  The chances of the pregnancy being covered is slim to none so it's got to be a good job.  I'm scheduled to go on a cruise in September but the closer it gets, the less likely I will be able to afford it.  Plus, I'm not sure an employer will take well to letting me off in September for a week and then find out I'm pregnant. 

 

There are many decisions to be made and a ton of preparations to make.  Every day I get more excited but that excitement is still very muted for fear of losing what I've wanted the most. 

 

Here's to a new adventure!!  All the love, support and prayers sent my way will be completely appreciated. 





California Dreamin'

I have been traveling for over 14 years and I have always wanted a project in California but I was destined to work mostly East Coast projects. And now I'm here!!

I'm in Sacramento on a project that has been stressful from the get-go. We got here on a Monday, went through some training and then met the client on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, the first victim of the project went home. Really?? 4 hours in and you decide it wasn't a fit?? You wanted someone more polished?? PUH-LEEZ.

Polished?? For what?? We were brought in as Supervisors and Managers or so we thought. Then we find out we aren't here to be supervisors or managers. We are just supposed to assist in drafting standards. And he isn't polished enough to do that??

Then Friday, the second one was let go. I wasn't surprised. She was a bit of a bully. Too forward and overreaching given the "new" assignment. The client said regarding her departure that they didn't like her from the beginning but thought they would give her a week. And then she made someone cry. LOL...like we couldn't see that coming!!

So, a week passes and we think we've got a handle on things. Nope!! It's Sue is let go. Talk about a complete shock! We were dumbfounded. Now we are all walking on eggshells trying to figure out exactly what this client wants. Nothing is making sense and the stress is out of control. Sue was my friend and I respect her immensely so naturally, it was a big blow to me but I still had Ruthann.

Not any more!! Ruthann was informed today that she is not to return. The client doesn't feel that she is fast enough to accomplish what they need in the timeframe given. WELL, her forte is not drafting policy, her forte is bringing in money for a facility. Her knowledge of Medicare is unrivaled!! But that counts for nothing when all we are doing is paperwork.

The client really likes me so I'm not worried at this point. I do have to say that I don't really like the client although I do really like the Director to whom I report. I just don't like the way things have been handled from the very beginning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the contract ends sooner than later. The original contract is for 6 months to a year.

I was super excited about being here in California and being an hour away from a good friend from West Virginia. I've already spent some time with her and her family and I had a blast. I look forward to exploring more of Northern California while I'm here. I'm hoping that I make it another month so that I can go to San Francisco and the Pacific Coast Highway. I am also hopeful that the stress level will subside but it isn't looking good.

So much for wanting a project in California!! Maybe my next California project will be a more positive experience. For now, I'm doing my best to please the client and stay here as long as possible. The money is good, the weather is nice and there is a casino just 30 minutes away!!

Impossible

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

 

 

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the rooftops

Write it on the skyline

All we had is gone now





 

And now when all is gone

There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarrassing me

On your own you can go ahead tell them

 

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible

 

My List

2012 has come and gone.  It was a good year.  There were plenty of downs but many more ups.  As this new year begins, I have decided to post 50 things that I would like to accomplish this year.  It really should be 100 but I better to start with 50 then none at all!!  Let's see how well I do....

1.  Find full-time permanent job in Houston.
2.  Read all the Jack Reacher novels in order.
3.  Lose 10 lbs.
4.  Lose 20 lbs.
5.  Lose 30 lbs.
6.  Run a half marathon.
7.  Learn to make pecan pies.
8.  Learn how to make bread.
9.  Make a cake from scratch.
10.  Repaint apartment.
11.  Finish Santa's Secret felt stocking.
12.  Finish cross-stitch sampler stocking.
13.  Participate in 2013 RC cruise
14.  Go to church
15.  File 2011 tax return
16.  See either Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera on stage
17.  Attend a Cowboys game at home.
18.  Continue to stay off anti-depressants
19.  Take Wyatt on a road trip/camping trip.
20.  Teach Wyatt not to jump on people.
21.  Go back to school to earn degree.
22.  Go to the drive-in movies.
23.  Learn how to knit.
24.  Learn how to make caldo.
25.  Learn how to make tamales.
26.  Transfer all music to laptop.
27.  Lose 40 lbs.
28.  Scan photo albums to cds for mom.
29.  Make a trip to NC and SC to visit friends.
30.  Go one week without Facebook.
31. Watch Cowboys vs. Redskins game with Michelle.
32.  Get Cowboy Wyatt tattoo.
33.  Start dating.
34.  Make an attempt at writing a children's book.
35.  Save enough money for a down payment on house.
36.  Blog at least once a month.
37.  Take a trip with Mom.
38.  Do a random act of kindness once a month.
39.  Make new friends in Houston.
40.  Get passport.
41.  Organize closet.
42.  Buy a plant and keep it alive for a year.
43.  Make 2013 Moments of Joy Jar and fill it throughout year.
44.  Let go of past relationship baggage
45.  Finish Moroni and Miche Blog
46.  Go without artificial nails for entire year
47.  Send Christmas cards on time
48.  Make headboard for bed
49.  Bring credit score to ensure better interest rates.
50.  Get Wyatt to sleep on his bed.