Well, I'm a Texan once again. NOT a Texans fan but an actual Texan.
I flew back into Houston last night. I'm still in shock, I think.
I'm having a very difficult time with this. My whole world seems to be upside down. I have nothing of my own anymore. I sold everything or gave it away. I feel so lost and alone.
I looked for jobs today. I wrote a few down but I'm not sure that I want to commit to anything just yet. I don't want to just get a job. I might give it a couple of weeks and see if another consulting job opens up. It will be a bit before I get my first unemployment check. I have to fax some paperwork in tomorrow.
I have a huge list of things to do and I don't want to do anything. I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out. The worst part is that I gave my comforter away. It's been with me for well over 10 years. It was my protection from vampires and it was my friend on all those lonely and cold nights. It went to a good kid who really needed it but jiminy, I miss my comforter. I don't want to call it my blankie but that's what it was!!
I know this was my decision to make and I made it. But hell, this is rough. I'm where my whole family is and I want to run away already!! I just want to run and hide where I'll never be found.
Everyone seems glad that I'm here. I guess that should make me realize that it's a good thing that I'm here but it really doesn't. I miss my home. I miss my apartment. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss everything.
Gosh, what if I get stuck here?? What if something happens and I'm trapped?? Well, there are a lot of what ifs and I start freaking out every time I think about them!! Now that I'm here, I'm not convinced this was a good thing for me. Maybe for my family and for Wyatt but not for me!
Is it selfish to not want to be here?? Is it selfish to want my own life without thinking about my family?? Is it me or am I acting like a spoiled little brat?? I don't care. I don't care today. Maybe tomorrow I will...maybe in a week or a month. But right now, I want to just cry and feel sorry for myself!! I want to scream at everyone that I hate it here.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family!! I'd do anything for them. But I never thought that would mean moving closer to them!! LOL...isn't that an awful thought?? It is, I know. Even as I type it, I realize that I'm being a total bitch. But again, right now, I don't care.
I feel like such a fake, a total fraud. I hate feeling like that!!
Well, Wyatt is happy and that's important. I know Morgainne is really glad to have me back. She really missed me. I just feel bad that I can't be happy right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe this is just a phase that I'll get through. Then again, maybe not.
I just feel so alone in this house full of people!! I know they love me! Derrick even bought another box of Frosted Flakes so that I'd have cereal to eat. Isn't that the coolest thing?? It made me smile this morning. A real smile. He's being so thoughtful.
I'm hoping to get a blessing on Saturday from the missionaries. I know that will help me immensely. I am remembering to take my meds, otherwise I'd be psychotic.
I need to talk to my mom. She got really sick so I haven't been over to see her because she's been sleeping. I need her to tell me it's ok and that I'll get through this. Dean is a little concerned too because I'm so negative. (I'm very rarely this negative.) I just need reassurance that I'm gonna make it. I know it sounds so stupid but I can't help it. That's just how bad it is for me right now. Pathetic, huh?? Most people would jump at the chance to be closer to their family and here I am hating that I decided to do it. What is wrong with me??
There's got to be something wrong with me to not be happy about this!! Is it that I don't like change?? Is it that I'm worried I will change and lose me?? Probably. ERRRRR...this really sucks!! I hate what I'm feeling right now and that makes everything even worse. It's a huge downward spiral and I feel like the only way out is for me to hit rock bottom and then try to salvage what is left.
I just have to remind myself to breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Deep cleansing breaths!!
Well, it's 10:30 and I find myself wanting to go to bed. Not because I'm tired but because it would bring a welcome end to this very sad and very lonely day. Wyatt has been great today. He came outside with me earlier and he just sat beside me and let me pet him. I think he loves me. I hope he loves me. I'm glad he hasn't forgotten to come to bed with me. This morning he put his head on my pillow, fell asleep and started snoring. How cute is that??
Ok, I'm gonna call it a night. Tomorrow maybe better!! Let's hope it's better!! It has to get better, right?? RIGHT??
Always
Miche~
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Decisions...
I have decided to move to Houston to be closer to my family.
This decision came about having spent 4 months close to my family. While working in Cleveland, TX, several events changed my perspective of living close to my family.
I've never wanted to live close to them. I'm still unsure how this is going to work out. I have always found it better for me and for them for me to be away. I have very strong opinions of things and I've always felt the need to express them. My opinions have not always been popular with my family but I've never really cared. I always felt it important for them to know where I stood and how I felt.
I think it comes from me being the oldest. I have always felt responsible for the bad decisions or mistakes they have made. Crazy, huh?? I guess it stems from me babysitting Michael and Derrick when I was super young. We're talking 5 or 6. And then when Krystl was born, she was always with me and/or my responsibility. In so many ways, I felt more like a mom than a sister.
I don't blame my parents because it isn't their fault that I feel this way.
I'm also really hesitant because I've had a difficult time with my Dad for the past 10 years or so. My mom and I have had a great relationship and I don't want to ruin it by being there.
Krystl had it out with me last month. She didn't want me around because she felt that I just messed everything up. She was really upset about me moving back.
Derrick had it out with me a couple of weeks ago. He was really nasty about it. I mean UGLY!!
The two of them have always been incredibly judgemental. Not only of me but of Michael. They both tend to hold themselves higher than the two of us. It's always easier to find fault with those around you rather than with yourself. Neither of them have taken the time or energy to really get to know me. I've changed and mostly for the better but neither of them would acknowledge it. They based a lot of their anger on events of the past or hearsay of more recent events.
I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I've really worked on myself and my attitudes. I still have strong opinions but I'm more guarded with expressing them. I've learned to apologize. I've also learned that I hate apologizing and it's just easier NOT saying or doing something than having to apologize for my actions or words.
I'll be living with Derrick until I find a place. This will be the test of all tests. Derrick still has a long of pent up anger regarding me. Some of it is well-founded while most of it is not. I may not have been the best sister but I was the best sister-in-law and aunt that I could be and made decisions that were in the best interest of them at the time. Someday, I hope he'll see that it wasn't malicious but simply concern for the welfare of his family.
I love him dearly but I am fully aware that he has a lot of things to work out. I know he can do it if he would just make his mind up to do it. I also hope that he will learn to accept me as I am. I'm not perfect and I still make mistakes. I am still learning and still changing. I'm doing my best to be the person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be and as difficult as that is, I'm willing to try.
I'm excited that this move will bring me closer to Michael. He's my favorite. I know there shouldn't be a favorite, but he has always been my best friend. I'll get to visit him often and that brings me great comfort. He's such an amazing man!! He's made some BIG mistakes but they were his to make and thankfully, he's learned from them. He's the man that I turn to for advice and laughter. I never lost faith in him and the man he's always been. I may have been hard as hell on him but it was what was needed in order for him to respect me and to understand the depth of my love for him. He's still finding it in his heart to forgive me but he's doing it. He knows that I never saw him as a monster only as a man who made a dumbass decision and then had to pay the consequences. This is a point of contention with me and Derrick. It's still a bit of a sticking point with me and Krystl and me and Dad. But when it all comes down, I love my brother and would give my life for him and his happiness. I will do everything in my power to see that his kids and his ex-wife want for nothing.
I know that this decision will either make or break me. Right now, it's looking like it's gonna break me. I really hope not. I want to be there for my family and I'm hoping I'll find the strength to somehow do it. My nieces and nephew will be the biggest winners in all of this. They are so excited for me to be "home". They have missed me and I have missed them.
I hope to be a better example to all of them. I will need to continue going to church and finding the peace and understanding that I'll need to get through this stepping stone. Maybe, somewhere down the road everyone else will follow suit. It's been an incredibly difficult journey going back to church but one that has been SO worth it. I still stumble and fall but I get up and dust myself off knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me and has provided a way for me to get back on the straight and narrow path that leads back to him.
I hope that my family will see that it is possible to go back. That would be the biggest and best thing to come out of my moving home.
I do love my family. We've been through a lot. And even though I've been absent for a lot of it, I hope they understand that it's what I had to do. I would have made things so much worse!! I made it bad enough when I came home to visit. This is my chance to finally be there for them. Be there for them physically!! I hope I don't disappoint or fail them!! That is my biggest fear.
Always
Miche~
This decision came about having spent 4 months close to my family. While working in Cleveland, TX, several events changed my perspective of living close to my family.
I've never wanted to live close to them. I'm still unsure how this is going to work out. I have always found it better for me and for them for me to be away. I have very strong opinions of things and I've always felt the need to express them. My opinions have not always been popular with my family but I've never really cared. I always felt it important for them to know where I stood and how I felt.
I think it comes from me being the oldest. I have always felt responsible for the bad decisions or mistakes they have made. Crazy, huh?? I guess it stems from me babysitting Michael and Derrick when I was super young. We're talking 5 or 6. And then when Krystl was born, she was always with me and/or my responsibility. In so many ways, I felt more like a mom than a sister.
I don't blame my parents because it isn't their fault that I feel this way.
I'm also really hesitant because I've had a difficult time with my Dad for the past 10 years or so. My mom and I have had a great relationship and I don't want to ruin it by being there.
Krystl had it out with me last month. She didn't want me around because she felt that I just messed everything up. She was really upset about me moving back.
Derrick had it out with me a couple of weeks ago. He was really nasty about it. I mean UGLY!!
The two of them have always been incredibly judgemental. Not only of me but of Michael. They both tend to hold themselves higher than the two of us. It's always easier to find fault with those around you rather than with yourself. Neither of them have taken the time or energy to really get to know me. I've changed and mostly for the better but neither of them would acknowledge it. They based a lot of their anger on events of the past or hearsay of more recent events.
I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I've really worked on myself and my attitudes. I still have strong opinions but I'm more guarded with expressing them. I've learned to apologize. I've also learned that I hate apologizing and it's just easier NOT saying or doing something than having to apologize for my actions or words.
I'll be living with Derrick until I find a place. This will be the test of all tests. Derrick still has a long of pent up anger regarding me. Some of it is well-founded while most of it is not. I may not have been the best sister but I was the best sister-in-law and aunt that I could be and made decisions that were in the best interest of them at the time. Someday, I hope he'll see that it wasn't malicious but simply concern for the welfare of his family.
I love him dearly but I am fully aware that he has a lot of things to work out. I know he can do it if he would just make his mind up to do it. I also hope that he will learn to accept me as I am. I'm not perfect and I still make mistakes. I am still learning and still changing. I'm doing my best to be the person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be and as difficult as that is, I'm willing to try.
I'm excited that this move will bring me closer to Michael. He's my favorite. I know there shouldn't be a favorite, but he has always been my best friend. I'll get to visit him often and that brings me great comfort. He's such an amazing man!! He's made some BIG mistakes but they were his to make and thankfully, he's learned from them. He's the man that I turn to for advice and laughter. I never lost faith in him and the man he's always been. I may have been hard as hell on him but it was what was needed in order for him to respect me and to understand the depth of my love for him. He's still finding it in his heart to forgive me but he's doing it. He knows that I never saw him as a monster only as a man who made a dumbass decision and then had to pay the consequences. This is a point of contention with me and Derrick. It's still a bit of a sticking point with me and Krystl and me and Dad. But when it all comes down, I love my brother and would give my life for him and his happiness. I will do everything in my power to see that his kids and his ex-wife want for nothing.
I know that this decision will either make or break me. Right now, it's looking like it's gonna break me. I really hope not. I want to be there for my family and I'm hoping I'll find the strength to somehow do it. My nieces and nephew will be the biggest winners in all of this. They are so excited for me to be "home". They have missed me and I have missed them.
I hope to be a better example to all of them. I will need to continue going to church and finding the peace and understanding that I'll need to get through this stepping stone. Maybe, somewhere down the road everyone else will follow suit. It's been an incredibly difficult journey going back to church but one that has been SO worth it. I still stumble and fall but I get up and dust myself off knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me and has provided a way for me to get back on the straight and narrow path that leads back to him.
I hope that my family will see that it is possible to go back. That would be the biggest and best thing to come out of my moving home.
I do love my family. We've been through a lot. And even though I've been absent for a lot of it, I hope they understand that it's what I had to do. I would have made things so much worse!! I made it bad enough when I came home to visit. This is my chance to finally be there for them. Be there for them physically!! I hope I don't disappoint or fail them!! That is my biggest fear.
Always
Miche~
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