Ok...it's been a while. And I have contemplated writing about this but I feel I just have to.
First of all because it gives a bit of an insight into self-delusion and as a secondary note, I think it's funny how someone who claims that most of my family is delusional is the worst of all.
OK...here's the scoop.
Last month, my Uncle Fernando and my cousin Alan came to Houston for the weekend. I had planned my trip home to coincide with this trip so that I could see Alan. I haven't seen him for many years and I was looking forward to hanging out with him. Alan was more excited to see my mom than anything else. He reveres my mom. He has always thought highly of my mom and not just because she was his mom's best friend.
Well, that weekend ended up being a bit of a disappointment. Not only because neither my mom nor myself were able to see my uncle and my cousin but because I was unable to attend the U2 concert in Dallas.
But what I found out later was completely unreal!!!
Alan messaged me on Facebook a little hurt that we didn't see him. I explained to him that dad had told my mom that they had postponed their trip. So, we thought they hadn't come. Otherwise, we would have had dinner with them or gone to Boling to see them because mom really wanted to see him.
Alan said he knew something was up because at dinner, when the question was asked where my mom and I were, there was no answer and the subject was changed rather quickly. LOL...go figure...no one wanted to admit that the oversight was deliberate.
But the kicker is...Derrick told Alan and my uncle that he was a scientist and a professional motivational speaker. LMAO...seriously?? Alan asked if that was true and I didn't know how to respond. So, me being me, I said...well if you consider a supervisor of a lab a scientist and a dad-a professional motivational speaker, then yes. I mean...what do you say??
Lies! Lies! Lies!
I thought it was hilarious. My brother is so lost. The man talks a great game. Don't get me wrong. He is very intelligent and can speak on almost any subject. But why would he feel the need to say he was something he was not in order to impress my uncle and cousin. Alan asked the same thing. I said..probably because he sees you all as successful and wants you to see him as the same. Who knows??
All I know is that boy is headed for a fall. You can listen to him and he has all the right answers. He says all the right things to make you think he's got it all together. He will spew forth scripture and quote General Authorities to show that he is spiritual. He's a great actor.
He has his good points. But they are obscured by the fact that he does not like who he his and he tends to reflect on the negative in EVERYONE else. He feels the need to do this, I think, because he can't understand why people are happy even if they are imperfect. And I don't mean superficially happy!! I mean the kind of happy that never waivers. The kind of happy and sense of self that only comes with understanding who you are and your purpose on this earth and loving God's creation for who it is--faults and all.
Derrick can't stand me. Mostly because he refuses to believe that someone like me--(read sinner) can be so happy and still love myself without prejudice. He doesn't understand why I don't have a problem sharing my faults and mistakes with those around me. He doesn't understand why with everything that's gone "wrong" in my life, I'm still incredibly positive and I manage to land on my feet. He sees me as a complete failure and yet I see myself as a complete success!! He doesn't understand that I have very few boundaries and don't mind it one bit.
I actually feel sorry for him. Well, not really. I would if I cared but I really don't anymore. He's a toxic person. As soon as this "high" that he's on fades...which will be in about a month or two...he'll go into another vicious and ugly low. He just puts on this little act because he thinks it's what will make people like him and accept him. And then when the strain and pressure of keeping the facade alive become too much to bear he breaks.
Why, oh why, is it so wrong to just be you??
I learned long LONG ago that I'm meant to be me. I can relate to people because I've been there done that. And the people I talk to know that I'm not just saying it to appease them or to comfort them, they know because I tell them exactly what I've done and where I've been. I know there is nothing wrong with this as I have helped many people mostly in the church understand that I'm not all talk. I am one of them. I'm working my way back and it's a daily struggle. I love that about me.
So, let him be the toxic person he is. I'll be the person I am. Heavenly Father loves us both either way. I just wish Derrick would realize that as ugly as the truth may be, it's better to be the real you than something that you wish you were. It's a lot less burdensome and a lot less disappointing. But I guess..it's something we each learn when we're supposed to unless we choose to continue to deny that we weren't meant to be carbon copies of each other. We were meant to be US. You were meant to be YOU.
So, lesson to all those. You may not like the ugly side of you but it is still you. You can change it whether it be by going to church, medication, or self-help books or a combination of all three. But you are YOU. Embrace you!! Love you!! Change what you want to change..not what you think you need to change or what someone tells you need to change. As time passes, you'll find that you'll change what should be changed when it's the right time for YOU. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be THIS or THAT in order to fit into their perception of what you should be. Don't compromise on who you are. You are an extraordinary creation and you should celebrate your uniqueness.
Don't let toxic people distort your perception of self. If you have these people in your life, avoid them. Think of them as a black hole. A hole that sucks everything into it and not even light can escape. They can be very deceptive. A wolf in sheep's clothing if you will. They are dark on the inside and abhor the light that is yours. Don't let them extinguish that light.
"Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not." D&C 6:21
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Isn't She Lovely??
Why yes I am!!
I know. lol...You all hear me say it all the time.
But lately my sis and I have been having some really interesting conversations about life, self, religion and love. And I've come to realize that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. LOL...I'm actually quite wise when I least expect it.
My life's experiences have taught me a lot. But the thing that I've learned along the way is that as Krystl says..."It's ok to be me". When I was younger, it meant...I don't care if you think I'm a bitch. That's your problem not mine. Yeah...I was THAT girl. lol...but this was more when I was in my mid to late 20's.
In my 30's, I went off the straight and narrow path. I don't believe it was a mistake. I made my choices and I believe they were the ones I was meant to take. Yes, there were better choices, but I chose the ones that in the end benefited ME-- not my family, not my church, not my friends. I had a lot of fun and lot of cries and lot of laughs and a lot of hurts. I look back and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am truly an amazing person. I'm 40 now, soon to be 41, and I'm ok with that. No, I've never been married. No, I don't have children. Yes, at times I consider myself a complete failure and disappointment to motherhood. But, I'm happy with the person that I am and that is a success that many people never achieve.
Now, I've got faults. Tons of them. Let's list some so that you know I'm not just saying to give myself a false sense of humility. Are you ready??
1) I'm a slob--not horrid but dirty doesn't bother me. When it gets to Campos dirty (which is the step after disgusting) that's when I know I've hit rock bottom.
2) I have total committment issues. Not just in my relationships with men but in my career, where I live and even as to what I'm going to do this weekend.
3) I'm a total jerk. If you do something to anger me, I have the ability to cut you out of my life without blinking. It's not that I don't forgive, it's just that I don't care.
4) I lie. About stupid stuff. But will always tell on myself about the big stuff. It's stupid I know but I am getting better.
5) I'm horrid at finances. Mine have been a wreck for so long, I don't even bother looking anymore. The sad part about it, is that I could have it all done and over with in maybe 4 months if that but there hasn't been a good enough reason or strong enough motivation for me to do it.
6) I won't answer my phone or my door 90% of the time. My mom has to threaten to call the police before I return her call. So, for those of you out there who have my number, you aren't the only one!!
7) I'm vain. Nuf said.
8) I'm hot tempered and stubborn. I have medication that helps with the temper but alas it does nothing for the stubborn!!
9) Bathing isn't normally a priority for me.
10) I don't have much of a filter so don't ask me a question for which you have not prepared yourself for my answer. I don't like being fake.
Ok...so there. Those are some of the highlights!! So, yeah...I'm a pill!!
When all is said and done, I look at myself in the mirror and am grateful that I am lovely. I do have a good heart, I just hide it a lot. If I should ever get married, I want to walk down the aisle to Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder. (see #7) Wouldn't that be awesome?? I think so.
So, basically...I want to say. It's ok to be who you are. You must still be mindful of others but not to the point of changing for someone else. Change will come when you're ready for it. Who would have ever thought that Michelle Campos would apologize AND THEN start holding her tongue so that she DOESN'T have to aplogize for hurting someone?? Yeah!! That's me now!! Go ahead, you can say it...NO WAY. All I can say is WAY.
So, go...BE YOU!! I mean do you really want to be anyone else?? And if so, really ask yourself why. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Appreciate what your Father in Heaven gave you!! He didn't give me model looks nor did he give me a model's body but he gave me something better--my smile. And it's affect is more lasting than my looks or my figure!! I can't sing. I can't play the piano. I can't cook. I can't do a lot of things but by golly, I can smile with the best of them!! So, appreciate what you have. Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes. He's given each of us certain talents and abilities that will sustain us and give us purpose in those dark and lonely times. This I know more than I would have liked to but it is so true.
Yeah...I love me. I hope that you learn to love you--faults and all. I mean the faults are what make life interesting, don't ya think?? Ya might want to smack yourself upside the head a lot but those faults sure make for an interesting life!!
Always
Miche~
I know. lol...You all hear me say it all the time.
But lately my sis and I have been having some really interesting conversations about life, self, religion and love. And I've come to realize that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. LOL...I'm actually quite wise when I least expect it.
My life's experiences have taught me a lot. But the thing that I've learned along the way is that as Krystl says..."It's ok to be me". When I was younger, it meant...I don't care if you think I'm a bitch. That's your problem not mine. Yeah...I was THAT girl. lol...but this was more when I was in my mid to late 20's.
In my 30's, I went off the straight and narrow path. I don't believe it was a mistake. I made my choices and I believe they were the ones I was meant to take. Yes, there were better choices, but I chose the ones that in the end benefited ME-- not my family, not my church, not my friends. I had a lot of fun and lot of cries and lot of laughs and a lot of hurts. I look back and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am truly an amazing person. I'm 40 now, soon to be 41, and I'm ok with that. No, I've never been married. No, I don't have children. Yes, at times I consider myself a complete failure and disappointment to motherhood. But, I'm happy with the person that I am and that is a success that many people never achieve.
Now, I've got faults. Tons of them. Let's list some so that you know I'm not just saying to give myself a false sense of humility. Are you ready??
1) I'm a slob--not horrid but dirty doesn't bother me. When it gets to Campos dirty (which is the step after disgusting) that's when I know I've hit rock bottom.
2) I have total committment issues. Not just in my relationships with men but in my career, where I live and even as to what I'm going to do this weekend.
3) I'm a total jerk. If you do something to anger me, I have the ability to cut you out of my life without blinking. It's not that I don't forgive, it's just that I don't care.
4) I lie. About stupid stuff. But will always tell on myself about the big stuff. It's stupid I know but I am getting better.
5) I'm horrid at finances. Mine have been a wreck for so long, I don't even bother looking anymore. The sad part about it, is that I could have it all done and over with in maybe 4 months if that but there hasn't been a good enough reason or strong enough motivation for me to do it.
6) I won't answer my phone or my door 90% of the time. My mom has to threaten to call the police before I return her call. So, for those of you out there who have my number, you aren't the only one!!
7) I'm vain. Nuf said.
8) I'm hot tempered and stubborn. I have medication that helps with the temper but alas it does nothing for the stubborn!!
9) Bathing isn't normally a priority for me.
10) I don't have much of a filter so don't ask me a question for which you have not prepared yourself for my answer. I don't like being fake.
Ok...so there. Those are some of the highlights!! So, yeah...I'm a pill!!
When all is said and done, I look at myself in the mirror and am grateful that I am lovely. I do have a good heart, I just hide it a lot. If I should ever get married, I want to walk down the aisle to Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder. (see #7) Wouldn't that be awesome?? I think so.
So, basically...I want to say. It's ok to be who you are. You must still be mindful of others but not to the point of changing for someone else. Change will come when you're ready for it. Who would have ever thought that Michelle Campos would apologize AND THEN start holding her tongue so that she DOESN'T have to aplogize for hurting someone?? Yeah!! That's me now!! Go ahead, you can say it...NO WAY. All I can say is WAY.
So, go...BE YOU!! I mean do you really want to be anyone else?? And if so, really ask yourself why. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Appreciate what your Father in Heaven gave you!! He didn't give me model looks nor did he give me a model's body but he gave me something better--my smile. And it's affect is more lasting than my looks or my figure!! I can't sing. I can't play the piano. I can't cook. I can't do a lot of things but by golly, I can smile with the best of them!! So, appreciate what you have. Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes. He's given each of us certain talents and abilities that will sustain us and give us purpose in those dark and lonely times. This I know more than I would have liked to but it is so true.
Yeah...I love me. I hope that you learn to love you--faults and all. I mean the faults are what make life interesting, don't ya think?? Ya might want to smack yourself upside the head a lot but those faults sure make for an interesting life!!
Always
Miche~
Friday, July 17, 2009
Philadelphia Freedom
Well, here I am at the airport. It's 11am, I've been here since 9:30 and my flight doesn't leave until 2pm. It was a crazy morning but things actually fell in place rather well!
I'm flying home today. My assignment at Brandywine Hospital ended last week but I stayed for another week as a breather. I have mixed emotions about going back to Houston. I met some really awesome people here and I LOVE the community. The area is gorgeous and close to just about anything and everything that I might need or want.
The supervisor here offered me a position as did the CFO. I still have some thinking to do and while I do that, I'll try to save as much as possible to facilitate a move if it should come to that. But this decision will take a lot of thought and even more prayer. Of course, I could get home and decide I don't ever want to leave again.
I met three women here that I will forever be connected to-Alex, Nicole and Gloria. I love all three of them. Gloria works for the same company as me and so I should see her again. Each of them crack me up and I enjoy the fact that I'm ok being me with them. I don't have to filter if I don't want to. Each of them connected with me in a familial way and I wish I could bring them with me. I might be able to convince Alex!!
But home means....Home means Wyatt, Krystl, the girls, and Mom. It means lots of love and even more laughter. It means sleeping in my own bed--if Wyatt can manage to stay on his side of the bed. It means structure and routine. It means finding a job--UGH!! But I know that after a few weeks, I'll get stir crazy and need to get out of the house.
I might end up in Lake Charles, LA for a month or so. That would be great if I can get on that project. I could save a couple thousand dollars and try to buy a car. That would help greatly in the pursuit of employment. Gloria said she'd help get me on that project along with another one in VA. Which reminds me, I need to file for unemployment.
When it's all said and done, I live a great life. I have a great life. I should settle down and find a small little house with a yard for Wyatt and settle into my old womanhood. I should....but it's highly unlikely that I will. For now, I'm going to enjoy myself and do my darnedest to stay out of the freaking casinos!! Really, Michelle...STAY OUT OF THE CASINOS!!
I will miss the Philly area!! I hope I get to come back soon!! Maybe if the money is right, I'll move here in by the end of the year. Alex wants me to move in with her. I could do that. I think. I'm a slob and can't cook and she's neat and can cook. It'll be the odd couple!!
Well, this post didn't end up being interesting, it ended up being lame!! I'm in a lame mood. Or, I'm just lame. Yeah, I'm in a lame mood!!
I sure hope Krystl remembers she said she'd pick me up today. I'd call her now but she's probably still asleep!! Who am I kidding?? Probably?? lol...now THAT'S funny!!
I'm flying home today. My assignment at Brandywine Hospital ended last week but I stayed for another week as a breather. I have mixed emotions about going back to Houston. I met some really awesome people here and I LOVE the community. The area is gorgeous and close to just about anything and everything that I might need or want.
The supervisor here offered me a position as did the CFO. I still have some thinking to do and while I do that, I'll try to save as much as possible to facilitate a move if it should come to that. But this decision will take a lot of thought and even more prayer. Of course, I could get home and decide I don't ever want to leave again.
I met three women here that I will forever be connected to-Alex, Nicole and Gloria. I love all three of them. Gloria works for the same company as me and so I should see her again. Each of them crack me up and I enjoy the fact that I'm ok being me with them. I don't have to filter if I don't want to. Each of them connected with me in a familial way and I wish I could bring them with me. I might be able to convince Alex!!
But home means....Home means Wyatt, Krystl, the girls, and Mom. It means lots of love and even more laughter. It means sleeping in my own bed--if Wyatt can manage to stay on his side of the bed. It means structure and routine. It means finding a job--UGH!! But I know that after a few weeks, I'll get stir crazy and need to get out of the house.
I might end up in Lake Charles, LA for a month or so. That would be great if I can get on that project. I could save a couple thousand dollars and try to buy a car. That would help greatly in the pursuit of employment. Gloria said she'd help get me on that project along with another one in VA. Which reminds me, I need to file for unemployment.
When it's all said and done, I live a great life. I have a great life. I should settle down and find a small little house with a yard for Wyatt and settle into my old womanhood. I should....but it's highly unlikely that I will. For now, I'm going to enjoy myself and do my darnedest to stay out of the freaking casinos!! Really, Michelle...STAY OUT OF THE CASINOS!!
I will miss the Philly area!! I hope I get to come back soon!! Maybe if the money is right, I'll move here in by the end of the year. Alex wants me to move in with her. I could do that. I think. I'm a slob and can't cook and she's neat and can cook. It'll be the odd couple!!
Well, this post didn't end up being interesting, it ended up being lame!! I'm in a lame mood. Or, I'm just lame. Yeah, I'm in a lame mood!!
I sure hope Krystl remembers she said she'd pick me up today. I'd call her now but she's probably still asleep!! Who am I kidding?? Probably?? lol...now THAT'S funny!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree...
I'm addicted....
I tried it once before and I didn't like it. But on the second try, I got hooked. Now, I can't stop eating it!! Somebody save me!!!!
I tried it once before and I didn't like it. But on the second try, I got hooked. Now, I can't stop eating it!! Somebody save me!!!!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
You Make Me So Very Happy...
I'm so glad you came into my life....
Things that make me smile:
1. Daisies
2. My mom
3. Eeyore
4. My nieces--Morgainne, Raven, Mia, Jade
5. My Big Brother
6. Wyatt
This is what helps me make it through the day and allow me to laugh and smile at all times. I'm a very lucky woman. I have everything that anyone could need. I have the love of my family and my dog. I have the beauty of nature that fascinates me on a daily basis. I have the love of a Heavenly Father who sent His son to this earth to atone for my sins. I have a Big Brother who willingly died for me so that I can make my way back to Him and my Father in Heaven. I have a dog that loves me unconditionally. And I still have that child-like wonder that keeps me young at heart and gives me the ability to see the good in all those around me.
I am truly blessed!!
Miche~
Things that make me smile:
1. Daisies
2. My mom
3. Eeyore
4. My nieces--Morgainne, Raven, Mia, Jade
5. My Big Brother
6. Wyatt
This is what helps me make it through the day and allow me to laugh and smile at all times. I'm a very lucky woman. I have everything that anyone could need. I have the love of my family and my dog. I have the beauty of nature that fascinates me on a daily basis. I have the love of a Heavenly Father who sent His son to this earth to atone for my sins. I have a Big Brother who willingly died for me so that I can make my way back to Him and my Father in Heaven. I have a dog that loves me unconditionally. And I still have that child-like wonder that keeps me young at heart and gives me the ability to see the good in all those around me.
I am truly blessed!!
Miche~
Sunday, April 26, 2009
On The Road Again....
Here I am....
Again!!
Again!!
In a hotel in a small town outside a big city with the tv on and trying to find something to do with my time. This is the life I've known for longer than I care to admit. It's not a bad life, really. I've seen a lot of places.
I've been here in Exton, PA for almost a week. I got here late Monday night and started work Tuesday morning. All I have done so far is work and sleep and work some more. I can't believe how swollen my feet are!! I sleep with them propped up to help with the swelling.
I keep trying to tell myself that it's because I haven't spent this much time on my feet in a couple of months and I try to ignore the fact that the young girls in the office don't seem to have a problem. I had to buy new shoes. I was going to get some ballerina slipper type shoe but I need more support. (Yeah...I said it!! I need more support.)
I'm think I need to check out some Naturalizer shoes or some Dr.Scholl's. UGH!! Does that say "Old Lady" or what?? It's killing me!! I look like I'm in my late 20's and I have to wear shoes that give me support so that my knees and back don't hurt!!
I miss my family more than ever now!! I miss Wyatt more than you'll ever know. Mom gave me a little stuffed puppy that looks just like Wyatt did when he was young. She didn't want me to miss Wyatt too much!! I love her!!
I talked to Derrick yesterday and he said that Wyatt has already grown in just the week I've been gone. I hope he recognizes me when I get home. I'm scheduled to fly home this coming weekend but my boss hasn't said anything and I haven't received any flight information. I just need to see my baby! I'm having a difficult time sleeping because he isn't there with me.
My favorite time of the day was lying in bed with him in the morning. He'd put his paws up on the window sill and stick his nose out of the window and we'd watch whatever there was to watch outside. I'd talk to him and give him the low-down on my plans for the day. He's such an awesome dog/friend. He's made a huge difference in my life and I miss him terribly.
I'm not sure how much longer I'll last being back out on the road. The plan is to bring him up here with me the next time I fly home. My only concern is that this hotel room is super small and I just KNOW he won't be all that happy. It's a decision that I need to make here pretty quickly because I need to make all the arrangements.
I miss my baby!! When did I become this super sap?? Maybe it is my old age!! lol....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Amazing Grace...
I went to a funeral today. I should have been upset to some degree but I wasn't.
My mom's step-dad died.
I haven't really seen him for forever. He was sick for a long time before he passed.
I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. It's strange because I remember him and his laugh from when I was younger. I always thought he was funny. But my mom kept us away from him as much as she could. So, in the end, I didn't really know him. I went to the funeral to support my aunts and uncles and some of my cousins that I actually know.
It was weird. When I got to the church, the guy directing the cars asked me if I was a relative or friend. I told the guy that Ramon was my mom's step-dad. He spoke into his walkie-talkie and told the person on the other end that he was sending over a grand-child.
I don't consider Ramon as my grandfather. I always called him Ramon. Mom always called him Ramon. I felt like I was being deceptive by letting the guy think I was a grand-child. During the service, it was said that he had 27 grand-children and 50 great grand-children. I thought...holy cow, that's amazing. It wasn't until later that I found out that I was included in that number. It took me off guard because yet again, I don't consider myself as his grand-child.
It's a rather sticky situation when it comes to my mother's father. My mom's dad left my grandma when mom was really little and never looked back. My grandma married Ramon back in 1950 something and had 7 children with him. (My mom has 10 brothers and sisters.) My grandma died in 1975, I think. At that point, we weren't living near anyone so we rarely saw Ramon or my mom's family. And when we did come, it was always a bit awkward for my mom. Then once all her siblings got married, we visited more.
I've only met my mom's dad a couple of times. The first time was when I was around 6 or 7. I remember Derrick was still potty-training so I'm pretty sure it was around that time. My mom's dad's name is Pete. Well, I think that's what he goes by because I keep thinking that my Uncle Frank was a junior. Anywho...when I first met my mom's dad, I thought he looked like the devil. Not only did I think he looked like the devil, I thought he WAS the devil.
I know, it's a very childish thought. But I was seriously terrified of him!! He was EXACTLY what I knew the devil to look like. I didn't want to come out of my room because I was so scared. My mom got really ticked because I didn't want to go to him. I couldn't understand why my mom wanted me to go give the devil a hug and a kiss. (I thought my mom knew he was the devil and didn't care.) My mom made me sit on his lap and give him a hug and kiss. I was traumatized. I mean seriously scarred. It was the worst betrayal I could ever have dreamed.
Later....much later...my parents were living in Laredo, TX and I came home to visit and he was there. I avoided him as best I could. He just gave me the creeps. I couldn't understand why my mom wanted a relationship with him. (She had always dreamed of having a relationship with her father and it finally started to happen.) LOL...even in my twenty-something mind, I still saw him as the devil.
Heck, even now...my sister invited me to go to Grandpa Pete's birthday party back in February. I was confused and asked who is Grandpa Pete. She answered, your grandfather, mom's dad. I said...Oh, he's just mom's dad to me. I don't consider him my grandpa. I still get creeped out by him....AND I'M 40 now!! I know, I know. I'm being irrational. I KNOW THIS. But that childhood trauma seriously scarred me.
As I was sitting there today listening to the words of the pastor, I start to feel a little left out. Because I didn't really have a grandpa. Not on my mom's side. I felt like it wasn't fair that Ramon wasn't able to be my grandpa. I did really like him. I really did miss out.
I don't remember my mom's mom all that well anymore. I have two very different memories of her. One of her being rather robust and when she would hug us, it hurt because she always squeezed too tight. And her pats on our butts always felt like she was spanking us. But I remember her smile and that I knew she loved me. The other memory is of her sitting in a rocking chair barely able to lift her head. She was literally skin and bones. The cancer had ravaged her and she looked so sad and so tired. It's hard to get that image out of my head. Mostly because it's such a sharp contrast to the woman/grandma that she was.
And now, Ramon has passed and I don't really have any memories of him. I'll always remember his smile and laugh and his hair. It always reminded me of Elvis.
How sad that when my mom's dad passes, I'll probably go to the funeral. Not because I have any emotional attachment to the man but because it will be hard on my mom and she'll need me there. I don't feel bad for the lack of attachment. I feel bad because my mom would love for me to have it and that I don't want it.
Ramon was buried next to my grandma, Olivia. I thought that was sweet. They are buried in the same cemetary as my Grandma and Grandpa Campos. It's weird that I put Campos after that because they were the only Grandma and Grandpa that I really had. My Grandpa died a very long time ago but I spent so much time with him when I was little that I have a ton of memories of him. My Grandma died in 1992, I think. I have a bazillion great memories of her. She was one funny lady!!
I guess I just wish I had the same kind of memories of grandparents from my mom's side of the family. I feel like I've been jipped. (sp?) But better to have some memories than none at all!!
Here's to the comfort of knowing that I will see them all again when I've crossed over the veil. And here's to getting to know them when we meet again.
My mom's step-dad died.
I haven't really seen him for forever. He was sick for a long time before he passed.
I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. It's strange because I remember him and his laugh from when I was younger. I always thought he was funny. But my mom kept us away from him as much as she could. So, in the end, I didn't really know him. I went to the funeral to support my aunts and uncles and some of my cousins that I actually know.
It was weird. When I got to the church, the guy directing the cars asked me if I was a relative or friend. I told the guy that Ramon was my mom's step-dad. He spoke into his walkie-talkie and told the person on the other end that he was sending over a grand-child.
I don't consider Ramon as my grandfather. I always called him Ramon. Mom always called him Ramon. I felt like I was being deceptive by letting the guy think I was a grand-child. During the service, it was said that he had 27 grand-children and 50 great grand-children. I thought...holy cow, that's amazing. It wasn't until later that I found out that I was included in that number. It took me off guard because yet again, I don't consider myself as his grand-child.
It's a rather sticky situation when it comes to my mother's father. My mom's dad left my grandma when mom was really little and never looked back. My grandma married Ramon back in 1950 something and had 7 children with him. (My mom has 10 brothers and sisters.) My grandma died in 1975, I think. At that point, we weren't living near anyone so we rarely saw Ramon or my mom's family. And when we did come, it was always a bit awkward for my mom. Then once all her siblings got married, we visited more.
I've only met my mom's dad a couple of times. The first time was when I was around 6 or 7. I remember Derrick was still potty-training so I'm pretty sure it was around that time. My mom's dad's name is Pete. Well, I think that's what he goes by because I keep thinking that my Uncle Frank was a junior. Anywho...when I first met my mom's dad, I thought he looked like the devil. Not only did I think he looked like the devil, I thought he WAS the devil.
I know, it's a very childish thought. But I was seriously terrified of him!! He was EXACTLY what I knew the devil to look like. I didn't want to come out of my room because I was so scared. My mom got really ticked because I didn't want to go to him. I couldn't understand why my mom wanted me to go give the devil a hug and a kiss. (I thought my mom knew he was the devil and didn't care.) My mom made me sit on his lap and give him a hug and kiss. I was traumatized. I mean seriously scarred. It was the worst betrayal I could ever have dreamed.
Later....much later...my parents were living in Laredo, TX and I came home to visit and he was there. I avoided him as best I could. He just gave me the creeps. I couldn't understand why my mom wanted a relationship with him. (She had always dreamed of having a relationship with her father and it finally started to happen.) LOL...even in my twenty-something mind, I still saw him as the devil.
Heck, even now...my sister invited me to go to Grandpa Pete's birthday party back in February. I was confused and asked who is Grandpa Pete. She answered, your grandfather, mom's dad. I said...Oh, he's just mom's dad to me. I don't consider him my grandpa. I still get creeped out by him....AND I'M 40 now!! I know, I know. I'm being irrational. I KNOW THIS. But that childhood trauma seriously scarred me.
As I was sitting there today listening to the words of the pastor, I start to feel a little left out. Because I didn't really have a grandpa. Not on my mom's side. I felt like it wasn't fair that Ramon wasn't able to be my grandpa. I did really like him. I really did miss out.
I don't remember my mom's mom all that well anymore. I have two very different memories of her. One of her being rather robust and when she would hug us, it hurt because she always squeezed too tight. And her pats on our butts always felt like she was spanking us. But I remember her smile and that I knew she loved me. The other memory is of her sitting in a rocking chair barely able to lift her head. She was literally skin and bones. The cancer had ravaged her and she looked so sad and so tired. It's hard to get that image out of my head. Mostly because it's such a sharp contrast to the woman/grandma that she was.
And now, Ramon has passed and I don't really have any memories of him. I'll always remember his smile and laugh and his hair. It always reminded me of Elvis.
How sad that when my mom's dad passes, I'll probably go to the funeral. Not because I have any emotional attachment to the man but because it will be hard on my mom and she'll need me there. I don't feel bad for the lack of attachment. I feel bad because my mom would love for me to have it and that I don't want it.
Ramon was buried next to my grandma, Olivia. I thought that was sweet. They are buried in the same cemetary as my Grandma and Grandpa Campos. It's weird that I put Campos after that because they were the only Grandma and Grandpa that I really had. My Grandpa died a very long time ago but I spent so much time with him when I was little that I have a ton of memories of him. My Grandma died in 1992, I think. I have a bazillion great memories of her. She was one funny lady!!
I guess I just wish I had the same kind of memories of grandparents from my mom's side of the family. I feel like I've been jipped. (sp?) But better to have some memories than none at all!!
Here's to the comfort of knowing that I will see them all again when I've crossed over the veil. And here's to getting to know them when we meet again.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Who Let The Dogs Out??
Ok, so it's day 7 of dog-sitting. My forehead was a five-head already but now I think it's a ten-head. I swear to you, I never in a bazillion years thought this was going to be this hard!!
Wyatt and Mr. Pickles are like oil and water. Like fire and ice. It's a love/hate relationship. They love to hate each other.
They need to be (for my sake) like ying and yang. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like a Coke and a smile.
Wyatt needs to quit acting like his whole purpose in life is to torment Pickles. I mean, this kid, is ALL over Pickles!! Like stink on shit. Like white on rice!! He's either licking his ears (which is nasty) or biting his legs (which has to hurt) or trying to nip his peepee (which is just wrong!)!!! Why can't he just leave poor Mr. Pickles alone??
Pickles...that's Mr. Pickles to you, thank you. He is a sly little mo-fo. He'll go and sit right in front of Wyatt trying to goad him into being bad. And Wyatt falls for it EVERY time. Pickles is ok with everything for a while until Wyatt actually bites him. Then it's all out war!! I think Pickles holds out hope that I'll put Wyatt in time-out before it gets to that point.
They freaking fight over the same damn piece of rawhide!! There are two pieces!! One for each but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, they have to fight over the same DAMN PIECE!!! They each have a separate set of bowls for their food and water but they fight over the same DAMN bowl!! UGH!!!!!!!! They are driving me INSANE!! They've been in time out I don't know how many times!! They've gotten on my last freaking nerve and I started swatting their butts with my flip-flop. They look at me like..."What did ya do that for?" Like they don't know!! As soon as I raise my voice, they both stop and walk away from each other for a minute to avoid being put into time out. SNEAKY BASTARDS!! lol
I'm more exhausted right now than I've ever been in my WHOLE life!! I want to just scream!! And then cry!! And then laugh hysterically because two dogs brought me to this point!!
After all of this, I had to take Wyatt to the vet for his last series of puppy shots and his rabies vaccine. I got Pickles an appointment for his rabies shot too. This is when I should have just shot myself and ended it all.
Wyatt peed all over the entryway at the vet's because he got all excited over the two people who were waiting and decided to pet him. He peed again when this little daschund with a BIG bark started barking. (Wyatt is a chicken shit) Then came the part where I had to take him into his room...I had to freaking pick him up!! I had to hold him the WHOLE time soothing him and telling him what a great job he was doing!! Poor thing was shaking like a leaf the whole time. He got his shots and I had to CARRY him out!! He's 36 lbs if you were wondering!! lol...
I left Pickles in the van while Wyatt had his stuff done.
And then there's Pickles. Lord have mercy. I don't think he's been to the vet for at least a year. It was just for his rabies shot. I asked Dr. Alldredge about how bad Pickles stinks. He said he'd look in his ears, at his skin and in his butt. I called mom because she was paying for it just to let her know. As it turns out, Mr. Pickles had a yeast infection in both ears and he needed his anal glands expressed. I had no idea what that meant. But we got it all done. The whole time I was holding and soothing Mr. Pickles.
Ok...anal glands expression. Yeah....it was GROSS!! The nurse stuck her finger in his butt and then squeezed or expressed one side and then the other. OMG....It was AWFUL. It stunk SOOOOOOOOOOO bad!! I felt so bad for Pickles. He's been like that for forever.
So, here it is...10pm and both of them are out like a light. Both snoring!! They are so cute!! So loving!! Wyatt wakes up when I go to the bathroom and follows me. He won't let me too far out of his sight. Pickles will lie down right next to me and just hang whenever Wyatt is not acting like a maniac. The other night, I slept on the couch and Pickles slept beside me and Wyatt slept on top of me. It was really sweet.
It's moments like these that remind me why I love my puppy. And he is just a puppy!! And I love my little nephew!! I just wish these two cousins would just get along a little better. Just a little!! At least for the next three days!! That's when Krys gets back from Italy.
Hopefully I can avoid pulling any more of my hair out!! My forehead (five-head) is big enough already!! Lord, give me strength!!
Wyatt and Mr. Pickles are like oil and water. Like fire and ice. It's a love/hate relationship. They love to hate each other.
They need to be (for my sake) like ying and yang. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like a Coke and a smile.
Wyatt needs to quit acting like his whole purpose in life is to torment Pickles. I mean, this kid, is ALL over Pickles!! Like stink on shit. Like white on rice!! He's either licking his ears (which is nasty) or biting his legs (which has to hurt) or trying to nip his peepee (which is just wrong!)!!! Why can't he just leave poor Mr. Pickles alone??
Pickles...that's Mr. Pickles to you, thank you. He is a sly little mo-fo. He'll go and sit right in front of Wyatt trying to goad him into being bad. And Wyatt falls for it EVERY time. Pickles is ok with everything for a while until Wyatt actually bites him. Then it's all out war!! I think Pickles holds out hope that I'll put Wyatt in time-out before it gets to that point.
They freaking fight over the same damn piece of rawhide!! There are two pieces!! One for each but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, they have to fight over the same DAMN PIECE!!! They each have a separate set of bowls for their food and water but they fight over the same DAMN bowl!! UGH!!!!!!!! They are driving me INSANE!! They've been in time out I don't know how many times!! They've gotten on my last freaking nerve and I started swatting their butts with my flip-flop. They look at me like..."What did ya do that for?" Like they don't know!! As soon as I raise my voice, they both stop and walk away from each other for a minute to avoid being put into time out. SNEAKY BASTARDS!! lol
I'm more exhausted right now than I've ever been in my WHOLE life!! I want to just scream!! And then cry!! And then laugh hysterically because two dogs brought me to this point!!
After all of this, I had to take Wyatt to the vet for his last series of puppy shots and his rabies vaccine. I got Pickles an appointment for his rabies shot too. This is when I should have just shot myself and ended it all.
Wyatt peed all over the entryway at the vet's because he got all excited over the two people who were waiting and decided to pet him. He peed again when this little daschund with a BIG bark started barking. (Wyatt is a chicken shit) Then came the part where I had to take him into his room...I had to freaking pick him up!! I had to hold him the WHOLE time soothing him and telling him what a great job he was doing!! Poor thing was shaking like a leaf the whole time. He got his shots and I had to CARRY him out!! He's 36 lbs if you were wondering!! lol...
I left Pickles in the van while Wyatt had his stuff done.
And then there's Pickles. Lord have mercy. I don't think he's been to the vet for at least a year. It was just for his rabies shot. I asked Dr. Alldredge about how bad Pickles stinks. He said he'd look in his ears, at his skin and in his butt. I called mom because she was paying for it just to let her know. As it turns out, Mr. Pickles had a yeast infection in both ears and he needed his anal glands expressed. I had no idea what that meant. But we got it all done. The whole time I was holding and soothing Mr. Pickles.
Ok...anal glands expression. Yeah....it was GROSS!! The nurse stuck her finger in his butt and then squeezed or expressed one side and then the other. OMG....It was AWFUL. It stunk SOOOOOOOOOOO bad!! I felt so bad for Pickles. He's been like that for forever.
So, here it is...10pm and both of them are out like a light. Both snoring!! They are so cute!! So loving!! Wyatt wakes up when I go to the bathroom and follows me. He won't let me too far out of his sight. Pickles will lie down right next to me and just hang whenever Wyatt is not acting like a maniac. The other night, I slept on the couch and Pickles slept beside me and Wyatt slept on top of me. It was really sweet.
It's moments like these that remind me why I love my puppy. And he is just a puppy!! And I love my little nephew!! I just wish these two cousins would just get along a little better. Just a little!! At least for the next three days!! That's when Krys gets back from Italy.
Hopefully I can avoid pulling any more of my hair out!! My forehead (five-head) is big enough already!! Lord, give me strength!!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
He Ain't Heavy...He's My Brother
I went to visit my brother, Michael, today. I hadn't seen him in a couple of months due to my having to work weekends the last two months working at the hospital and then the two and some odd weeks of moving. So, I finally got the chance to go this morning.
Now, for those of you who don't know and most of you don't, my brother is currently incarcerated and is serving a 10 year sentence. I think he's done about 3 years but I honestly don't remember. It's been rough on him but he's finally gotten to a point where he is at peace with the punishment that was dealt him and understands his responsibility in his actions that resulted in him being taken away from his family. Now, that's not to say he's happy about it but he's found peace and that is an awesome thing to be able to say.
It's hard to see him there. For one, he's gotten chunky. LOL..but that has more to do with him working in the kitchen than anything else!! Plus it's hard because we have to sit on the other side of the table from him. That's just kinda weird but I guess it makes sense. But more than anything, it's hard to see there because he's there and not home. Soon...time will fly by!!
Anywho....It was a fun visit. My mom and I had already laughed pretty much the whole way there. We finally got there and we had to go through the usual procedure of opening the car hood and trunk for the security officer to look through. What exactly are they looking for?? Dead bodies?? Explosives?? Who knows!! Anywho...then we get our quarters (we always stop and get $20 worth of quarters to raid the snack machine and soda machine because those are the only "snacks" he can have) and drivers license and head into the building.
The lady officer meets us at the door and proceeds to pat my mom down and make her take off her shoes. Then she starts doing me and she asks me to move my hair. I didn't think I heard her correctly and said..What?? She said..."I need you to move your hair so I don't pull it." I started laughing and said.."Go ahead and pull it, it would be the only action I've gotten in a LONG time." We all cracked up laughing. I kinda embarrassed her but we laughed/giggled for a while. I'm a great ice-breaker that way.
So, I go in and then the other lady guard says.."She's wearing a sleeveless shirt." Come to find out that you aren't allowed to wear sleeveless shirts. (WTF??) Anywho...we ended up having to go to the Dollar store and I bought a white t-shirt to wear under my sleeveless sweater thingy. So, we're leaving the store and my mom says, "you should have known better!! You'd be turning those inmates on with those toned-arms " (read that with PLENTY of sarcasm!) We started laughing hysterically and then my mom said..."next thing you know, you're gonna be labeled a whore." OMG...we both lost it. I almost peed my pants. Me and my mom laugh A LOT!!
So, ok...the inmates there have to wear all white. I made a comment about this because it just struck me as odd. My mom said.."well, it's just like if you see a guy wearing all orange running on the side of the road. If you see someone wearing all white, you know they're some psycho that's escaped so you call the police." We cracked up laughing again. Michael's like thanks mom for calling me a retard and I said that's ok she called me a whore. LOL...my family!!!!
Anywho...Michael was in good spirits like he usually is. You can tell in his eyes and on his face that it's hard for him but that he's making the most of a bad situation. I told him that to some degree, I'm in the same boat. I don't want to be in Texas but it's the choice I made and I'm trying my hardest to be ok with it. Of course, it isn't anywhere NEAR the same but to me it sure feels like it!!
I told him all about the people I've reconnected with on Facebook and he was pretty amazed. Then we started reminiscing about high school and BYU days and had a good laugh.
My brother is the best man I know. He's a little defeated right now but I'm his biggest fan. He's the most amazing man I've ever met. He's slow to anger. He's got a heart the size of Texas if not bigger. He's a great storyteller (some true some not so true). He's quick to forgive and forget. He's a champion of the underdog. He's my spiritual leader because he KNOWS and he's patient with me and my lack of faith at times. He's also mortal. He makes mistakes and sometimes feels he isn't worthy of the blessings he receives.
I wish he could see himself through my eyes for just a moment. He'd be super surprised to see what I see. I know his faults...and he's got enough of them!! But I know his strengths and even though he shies away from those strengths, I know they are there. I also know that no matter what, he will ALWAYS be there for me. Right or wrong, he will love me and give me whatever strength he can to help me through it. THAT'S THE KIND OF MAN HE IS. No judgement, just love, love, love.
Michael has made plenty of mistakes or bad choices or maybe taken the harder road at times, but if he hadn't, I'm not sure he would have the compassion he has. He understands exactly what you're going through and knows your pain, your sorrow and to some degree that is very comforting to me. I love him. I love the man he is, right here and right now. He's my "home" when I'm lost. He knows exactly how to say things to me so that I listen. He is my twin in so many ways and I'm glad there is someone out there who gets me.
There will be plenty of people who will judge Michael for the crime he is serving time for but let them judge. I know Michael. I know he's been a fool. I know how bad it all got. I KNOW. But when it comes right down to it, Michael is my brother and I will defend him to the death. He doesn't deserve your judgement. For those of you who would judge, I would suggest you look at your own life and ask if there are not mistakes or choices you made where other people were affected or emotions were damaged or perceptions were misguided. It can be really ugly when you turn the mirror back on yourself. I did it many years ago and realized that I'd failed so many people and destroyed a lot of trust and stepped on a lot of hearts that it no longer mattered the degree to which I did it but that I had done it. It was an eye-opener.
Michael...I love you. I'm proud to call you my brother!! You are my hero!!
Always
Miche~
Now, for those of you who don't know and most of you don't, my brother is currently incarcerated and is serving a 10 year sentence. I think he's done about 3 years but I honestly don't remember. It's been rough on him but he's finally gotten to a point where he is at peace with the punishment that was dealt him and understands his responsibility in his actions that resulted in him being taken away from his family. Now, that's not to say he's happy about it but he's found peace and that is an awesome thing to be able to say.
It's hard to see him there. For one, he's gotten chunky. LOL..but that has more to do with him working in the kitchen than anything else!! Plus it's hard because we have to sit on the other side of the table from him. That's just kinda weird but I guess it makes sense. But more than anything, it's hard to see there because he's there and not home. Soon...time will fly by!!
Anywho....It was a fun visit. My mom and I had already laughed pretty much the whole way there. We finally got there and we had to go through the usual procedure of opening the car hood and trunk for the security officer to look through. What exactly are they looking for?? Dead bodies?? Explosives?? Who knows!! Anywho...then we get our quarters (we always stop and get $20 worth of quarters to raid the snack machine and soda machine because those are the only "snacks" he can have) and drivers license and head into the building.
The lady officer meets us at the door and proceeds to pat my mom down and make her take off her shoes. Then she starts doing me and she asks me to move my hair. I didn't think I heard her correctly and said..What?? She said..."I need you to move your hair so I don't pull it." I started laughing and said.."Go ahead and pull it, it would be the only action I've gotten in a LONG time." We all cracked up laughing. I kinda embarrassed her but we laughed/giggled for a while. I'm a great ice-breaker that way.
So, I go in and then the other lady guard says.."She's wearing a sleeveless shirt." Come to find out that you aren't allowed to wear sleeveless shirts. (WTF??) Anywho...we ended up having to go to the Dollar store and I bought a white t-shirt to wear under my sleeveless sweater thingy. So, we're leaving the store and my mom says, "you should have known better!! You'd be turning those inmates on with those toned-arms " (read that with PLENTY of sarcasm!) We started laughing hysterically and then my mom said..."next thing you know, you're gonna be labeled a whore." OMG...we both lost it. I almost peed my pants. Me and my mom laugh A LOT!!
So, ok...the inmates there have to wear all white. I made a comment about this because it just struck me as odd. My mom said.."well, it's just like if you see a guy wearing all orange running on the side of the road. If you see someone wearing all white, you know they're some psycho that's escaped so you call the police." We cracked up laughing again. Michael's like thanks mom for calling me a retard and I said that's ok she called me a whore. LOL...my family!!!!
Anywho...Michael was in good spirits like he usually is. You can tell in his eyes and on his face that it's hard for him but that he's making the most of a bad situation. I told him that to some degree, I'm in the same boat. I don't want to be in Texas but it's the choice I made and I'm trying my hardest to be ok with it. Of course, it isn't anywhere NEAR the same but to me it sure feels like it!!
I told him all about the people I've reconnected with on Facebook and he was pretty amazed. Then we started reminiscing about high school and BYU days and had a good laugh.
My brother is the best man I know. He's a little defeated right now but I'm his biggest fan. He's the most amazing man I've ever met. He's slow to anger. He's got a heart the size of Texas if not bigger. He's a great storyteller (some true some not so true). He's quick to forgive and forget. He's a champion of the underdog. He's my spiritual leader because he KNOWS and he's patient with me and my lack of faith at times. He's also mortal. He makes mistakes and sometimes feels he isn't worthy of the blessings he receives.
I wish he could see himself through my eyes for just a moment. He'd be super surprised to see what I see. I know his faults...and he's got enough of them!! But I know his strengths and even though he shies away from those strengths, I know they are there. I also know that no matter what, he will ALWAYS be there for me. Right or wrong, he will love me and give me whatever strength he can to help me through it. THAT'S THE KIND OF MAN HE IS. No judgement, just love, love, love.
Michael has made plenty of mistakes or bad choices or maybe taken the harder road at times, but if he hadn't, I'm not sure he would have the compassion he has. He understands exactly what you're going through and knows your pain, your sorrow and to some degree that is very comforting to me. I love him. I love the man he is, right here and right now. He's my "home" when I'm lost. He knows exactly how to say things to me so that I listen. He is my twin in so many ways and I'm glad there is someone out there who gets me.
There will be plenty of people who will judge Michael for the crime he is serving time for but let them judge. I know Michael. I know he's been a fool. I know how bad it all got. I KNOW. But when it comes right down to it, Michael is my brother and I will defend him to the death. He doesn't deserve your judgement. For those of you who would judge, I would suggest you look at your own life and ask if there are not mistakes or choices you made where other people were affected or emotions were damaged or perceptions were misguided. It can be really ugly when you turn the mirror back on yourself. I did it many years ago and realized that I'd failed so many people and destroyed a lot of trust and stepped on a lot of hearts that it no longer mattered the degree to which I did it but that I had done it. It was an eye-opener.
Michael...I love you. I'm proud to call you my brother!! You are my hero!!
Always
Miche~
Thursday, February 26, 2009
CH..CH...Changes!!
Well, I'm a Texan once again. NOT a Texans fan but an actual Texan.
I flew back into Houston last night. I'm still in shock, I think.
I'm having a very difficult time with this. My whole world seems to be upside down. I have nothing of my own anymore. I sold everything or gave it away. I feel so lost and alone.
I looked for jobs today. I wrote a few down but I'm not sure that I want to commit to anything just yet. I don't want to just get a job. I might give it a couple of weeks and see if another consulting job opens up. It will be a bit before I get my first unemployment check. I have to fax some paperwork in tomorrow.
I have a huge list of things to do and I don't want to do anything. I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out. The worst part is that I gave my comforter away. It's been with me for well over 10 years. It was my protection from vampires and it was my friend on all those lonely and cold nights. It went to a good kid who really needed it but jiminy, I miss my comforter. I don't want to call it my blankie but that's what it was!!
I know this was my decision to make and I made it. But hell, this is rough. I'm where my whole family is and I want to run away already!! I just want to run and hide where I'll never be found.
Everyone seems glad that I'm here. I guess that should make me realize that it's a good thing that I'm here but it really doesn't. I miss my home. I miss my apartment. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss everything.
Gosh, what if I get stuck here?? What if something happens and I'm trapped?? Well, there are a lot of what ifs and I start freaking out every time I think about them!! Now that I'm here, I'm not convinced this was a good thing for me. Maybe for my family and for Wyatt but not for me!
Is it selfish to not want to be here?? Is it selfish to want my own life without thinking about my family?? Is it me or am I acting like a spoiled little brat?? I don't care. I don't care today. Maybe tomorrow I will...maybe in a week or a month. But right now, I want to just cry and feel sorry for myself!! I want to scream at everyone that I hate it here.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family!! I'd do anything for them. But I never thought that would mean moving closer to them!! LOL...isn't that an awful thought?? It is, I know. Even as I type it, I realize that I'm being a total bitch. But again, right now, I don't care.
I feel like such a fake, a total fraud. I hate feeling like that!!
Well, Wyatt is happy and that's important. I know Morgainne is really glad to have me back. She really missed me. I just feel bad that I can't be happy right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe this is just a phase that I'll get through. Then again, maybe not.
I just feel so alone in this house full of people!! I know they love me! Derrick even bought another box of Frosted Flakes so that I'd have cereal to eat. Isn't that the coolest thing?? It made me smile this morning. A real smile. He's being so thoughtful.
I'm hoping to get a blessing on Saturday from the missionaries. I know that will help me immensely. I am remembering to take my meds, otherwise I'd be psychotic.
I need to talk to my mom. She got really sick so I haven't been over to see her because she's been sleeping. I need her to tell me it's ok and that I'll get through this. Dean is a little concerned too because I'm so negative. (I'm very rarely this negative.) I just need reassurance that I'm gonna make it. I know it sounds so stupid but I can't help it. That's just how bad it is for me right now. Pathetic, huh?? Most people would jump at the chance to be closer to their family and here I am hating that I decided to do it. What is wrong with me??
There's got to be something wrong with me to not be happy about this!! Is it that I don't like change?? Is it that I'm worried I will change and lose me?? Probably. ERRRRR...this really sucks!! I hate what I'm feeling right now and that makes everything even worse. It's a huge downward spiral and I feel like the only way out is for me to hit rock bottom and then try to salvage what is left.
I just have to remind myself to breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Deep cleansing breaths!!
Well, it's 10:30 and I find myself wanting to go to bed. Not because I'm tired but because it would bring a welcome end to this very sad and very lonely day. Wyatt has been great today. He came outside with me earlier and he just sat beside me and let me pet him. I think he loves me. I hope he loves me. I'm glad he hasn't forgotten to come to bed with me. This morning he put his head on my pillow, fell asleep and started snoring. How cute is that??
Ok, I'm gonna call it a night. Tomorrow maybe better!! Let's hope it's better!! It has to get better, right?? RIGHT??
Always
Miche~
I flew back into Houston last night. I'm still in shock, I think.
I'm having a very difficult time with this. My whole world seems to be upside down. I have nothing of my own anymore. I sold everything or gave it away. I feel so lost and alone.
I looked for jobs today. I wrote a few down but I'm not sure that I want to commit to anything just yet. I don't want to just get a job. I might give it a couple of weeks and see if another consulting job opens up. It will be a bit before I get my first unemployment check. I have to fax some paperwork in tomorrow.
I have a huge list of things to do and I don't want to do anything. I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out. The worst part is that I gave my comforter away. It's been with me for well over 10 years. It was my protection from vampires and it was my friend on all those lonely and cold nights. It went to a good kid who really needed it but jiminy, I miss my comforter. I don't want to call it my blankie but that's what it was!!
I know this was my decision to make and I made it. But hell, this is rough. I'm where my whole family is and I want to run away already!! I just want to run and hide where I'll never be found.
Everyone seems glad that I'm here. I guess that should make me realize that it's a good thing that I'm here but it really doesn't. I miss my home. I miss my apartment. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss everything.
Gosh, what if I get stuck here?? What if something happens and I'm trapped?? Well, there are a lot of what ifs and I start freaking out every time I think about them!! Now that I'm here, I'm not convinced this was a good thing for me. Maybe for my family and for Wyatt but not for me!
Is it selfish to not want to be here?? Is it selfish to want my own life without thinking about my family?? Is it me or am I acting like a spoiled little brat?? I don't care. I don't care today. Maybe tomorrow I will...maybe in a week or a month. But right now, I want to just cry and feel sorry for myself!! I want to scream at everyone that I hate it here.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family!! I'd do anything for them. But I never thought that would mean moving closer to them!! LOL...isn't that an awful thought?? It is, I know. Even as I type it, I realize that I'm being a total bitch. But again, right now, I don't care.
I feel like such a fake, a total fraud. I hate feeling like that!!
Well, Wyatt is happy and that's important. I know Morgainne is really glad to have me back. She really missed me. I just feel bad that I can't be happy right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe this is just a phase that I'll get through. Then again, maybe not.
I just feel so alone in this house full of people!! I know they love me! Derrick even bought another box of Frosted Flakes so that I'd have cereal to eat. Isn't that the coolest thing?? It made me smile this morning. A real smile. He's being so thoughtful.
I'm hoping to get a blessing on Saturday from the missionaries. I know that will help me immensely. I am remembering to take my meds, otherwise I'd be psychotic.
I need to talk to my mom. She got really sick so I haven't been over to see her because she's been sleeping. I need her to tell me it's ok and that I'll get through this. Dean is a little concerned too because I'm so negative. (I'm very rarely this negative.) I just need reassurance that I'm gonna make it. I know it sounds so stupid but I can't help it. That's just how bad it is for me right now. Pathetic, huh?? Most people would jump at the chance to be closer to their family and here I am hating that I decided to do it. What is wrong with me??
There's got to be something wrong with me to not be happy about this!! Is it that I don't like change?? Is it that I'm worried I will change and lose me?? Probably. ERRRRR...this really sucks!! I hate what I'm feeling right now and that makes everything even worse. It's a huge downward spiral and I feel like the only way out is for me to hit rock bottom and then try to salvage what is left.
I just have to remind myself to breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Deep cleansing breaths!!
Well, it's 10:30 and I find myself wanting to go to bed. Not because I'm tired but because it would bring a welcome end to this very sad and very lonely day. Wyatt has been great today. He came outside with me earlier and he just sat beside me and let me pet him. I think he loves me. I hope he loves me. I'm glad he hasn't forgotten to come to bed with me. This morning he put his head on my pillow, fell asleep and started snoring. How cute is that??
Ok, I'm gonna call it a night. Tomorrow maybe better!! Let's hope it's better!! It has to get better, right?? RIGHT??
Always
Miche~
Monday, February 16, 2009
Decisions...
I have decided to move to Houston to be closer to my family.
This decision came about having spent 4 months close to my family. While working in Cleveland, TX, several events changed my perspective of living close to my family.
I've never wanted to live close to them. I'm still unsure how this is going to work out. I have always found it better for me and for them for me to be away. I have very strong opinions of things and I've always felt the need to express them. My opinions have not always been popular with my family but I've never really cared. I always felt it important for them to know where I stood and how I felt.
I think it comes from me being the oldest. I have always felt responsible for the bad decisions or mistakes they have made. Crazy, huh?? I guess it stems from me babysitting Michael and Derrick when I was super young. We're talking 5 or 6. And then when Krystl was born, she was always with me and/or my responsibility. In so many ways, I felt more like a mom than a sister.
I don't blame my parents because it isn't their fault that I feel this way.
I'm also really hesitant because I've had a difficult time with my Dad for the past 10 years or so. My mom and I have had a great relationship and I don't want to ruin it by being there.
Krystl had it out with me last month. She didn't want me around because she felt that I just messed everything up. She was really upset about me moving back.
Derrick had it out with me a couple of weeks ago. He was really nasty about it. I mean UGLY!!
The two of them have always been incredibly judgemental. Not only of me but of Michael. They both tend to hold themselves higher than the two of us. It's always easier to find fault with those around you rather than with yourself. Neither of them have taken the time or energy to really get to know me. I've changed and mostly for the better but neither of them would acknowledge it. They based a lot of their anger on events of the past or hearsay of more recent events.
I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I've really worked on myself and my attitudes. I still have strong opinions but I'm more guarded with expressing them. I've learned to apologize. I've also learned that I hate apologizing and it's just easier NOT saying or doing something than having to apologize for my actions or words.
I'll be living with Derrick until I find a place. This will be the test of all tests. Derrick still has a long of pent up anger regarding me. Some of it is well-founded while most of it is not. I may not have been the best sister but I was the best sister-in-law and aunt that I could be and made decisions that were in the best interest of them at the time. Someday, I hope he'll see that it wasn't malicious but simply concern for the welfare of his family.
I love him dearly but I am fully aware that he has a lot of things to work out. I know he can do it if he would just make his mind up to do it. I also hope that he will learn to accept me as I am. I'm not perfect and I still make mistakes. I am still learning and still changing. I'm doing my best to be the person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be and as difficult as that is, I'm willing to try.
I'm excited that this move will bring me closer to Michael. He's my favorite. I know there shouldn't be a favorite, but he has always been my best friend. I'll get to visit him often and that brings me great comfort. He's such an amazing man!! He's made some BIG mistakes but they were his to make and thankfully, he's learned from them. He's the man that I turn to for advice and laughter. I never lost faith in him and the man he's always been. I may have been hard as hell on him but it was what was needed in order for him to respect me and to understand the depth of my love for him. He's still finding it in his heart to forgive me but he's doing it. He knows that I never saw him as a monster only as a man who made a dumbass decision and then had to pay the consequences. This is a point of contention with me and Derrick. It's still a bit of a sticking point with me and Krystl and me and Dad. But when it all comes down, I love my brother and would give my life for him and his happiness. I will do everything in my power to see that his kids and his ex-wife want for nothing.
I know that this decision will either make or break me. Right now, it's looking like it's gonna break me. I really hope not. I want to be there for my family and I'm hoping I'll find the strength to somehow do it. My nieces and nephew will be the biggest winners in all of this. They are so excited for me to be "home". They have missed me and I have missed them.
I hope to be a better example to all of them. I will need to continue going to church and finding the peace and understanding that I'll need to get through this stepping stone. Maybe, somewhere down the road everyone else will follow suit. It's been an incredibly difficult journey going back to church but one that has been SO worth it. I still stumble and fall but I get up and dust myself off knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me and has provided a way for me to get back on the straight and narrow path that leads back to him.
I hope that my family will see that it is possible to go back. That would be the biggest and best thing to come out of my moving home.
I do love my family. We've been through a lot. And even though I've been absent for a lot of it, I hope they understand that it's what I had to do. I would have made things so much worse!! I made it bad enough when I came home to visit. This is my chance to finally be there for them. Be there for them physically!! I hope I don't disappoint or fail them!! That is my biggest fear.
Always
Miche~
This decision came about having spent 4 months close to my family. While working in Cleveland, TX, several events changed my perspective of living close to my family.
I've never wanted to live close to them. I'm still unsure how this is going to work out. I have always found it better for me and for them for me to be away. I have very strong opinions of things and I've always felt the need to express them. My opinions have not always been popular with my family but I've never really cared. I always felt it important for them to know where I stood and how I felt.
I think it comes from me being the oldest. I have always felt responsible for the bad decisions or mistakes they have made. Crazy, huh?? I guess it stems from me babysitting Michael and Derrick when I was super young. We're talking 5 or 6. And then when Krystl was born, she was always with me and/or my responsibility. In so many ways, I felt more like a mom than a sister.
I don't blame my parents because it isn't their fault that I feel this way.
I'm also really hesitant because I've had a difficult time with my Dad for the past 10 years or so. My mom and I have had a great relationship and I don't want to ruin it by being there.
Krystl had it out with me last month. She didn't want me around because she felt that I just messed everything up. She was really upset about me moving back.
Derrick had it out with me a couple of weeks ago. He was really nasty about it. I mean UGLY!!
The two of them have always been incredibly judgemental. Not only of me but of Michael. They both tend to hold themselves higher than the two of us. It's always easier to find fault with those around you rather than with yourself. Neither of them have taken the time or energy to really get to know me. I've changed and mostly for the better but neither of them would acknowledge it. They based a lot of their anger on events of the past or hearsay of more recent events.
I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I've really worked on myself and my attitudes. I still have strong opinions but I'm more guarded with expressing them. I've learned to apologize. I've also learned that I hate apologizing and it's just easier NOT saying or doing something than having to apologize for my actions or words.
I'll be living with Derrick until I find a place. This will be the test of all tests. Derrick still has a long of pent up anger regarding me. Some of it is well-founded while most of it is not. I may not have been the best sister but I was the best sister-in-law and aunt that I could be and made decisions that were in the best interest of them at the time. Someday, I hope he'll see that it wasn't malicious but simply concern for the welfare of his family.
I love him dearly but I am fully aware that he has a lot of things to work out. I know he can do it if he would just make his mind up to do it. I also hope that he will learn to accept me as I am. I'm not perfect and I still make mistakes. I am still learning and still changing. I'm doing my best to be the person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be and as difficult as that is, I'm willing to try.
I'm excited that this move will bring me closer to Michael. He's my favorite. I know there shouldn't be a favorite, but he has always been my best friend. I'll get to visit him often and that brings me great comfort. He's such an amazing man!! He's made some BIG mistakes but they were his to make and thankfully, he's learned from them. He's the man that I turn to for advice and laughter. I never lost faith in him and the man he's always been. I may have been hard as hell on him but it was what was needed in order for him to respect me and to understand the depth of my love for him. He's still finding it in his heart to forgive me but he's doing it. He knows that I never saw him as a monster only as a man who made a dumbass decision and then had to pay the consequences. This is a point of contention with me and Derrick. It's still a bit of a sticking point with me and Krystl and me and Dad. But when it all comes down, I love my brother and would give my life for him and his happiness. I will do everything in my power to see that his kids and his ex-wife want for nothing.
I know that this decision will either make or break me. Right now, it's looking like it's gonna break me. I really hope not. I want to be there for my family and I'm hoping I'll find the strength to somehow do it. My nieces and nephew will be the biggest winners in all of this. They are so excited for me to be "home". They have missed me and I have missed them.
I hope to be a better example to all of them. I will need to continue going to church and finding the peace and understanding that I'll need to get through this stepping stone. Maybe, somewhere down the road everyone else will follow suit. It's been an incredibly difficult journey going back to church but one that has been SO worth it. I still stumble and fall but I get up and dust myself off knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me and has provided a way for me to get back on the straight and narrow path that leads back to him.
I hope that my family will see that it is possible to go back. That would be the biggest and best thing to come out of my moving home.
I do love my family. We've been through a lot. And even though I've been absent for a lot of it, I hope they understand that it's what I had to do. I would have made things so much worse!! I made it bad enough when I came home to visit. This is my chance to finally be there for them. Be there for them physically!! I hope I don't disappoint or fail them!! That is my biggest fear.
Always
Miche~
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Allure of Red Lipstick...
Sunday...what a day!!
The shade of red--Bonita from Avon.
The clothing---black pencil skirt and a fitted red/black/white blouse
The shoes--Black low heeled boots
The effect--unbelievable. Co-workers, patients, strangers all stopped and noticed.
I tell ya ladies...find your perfect shade of red and use it. It's a great self-esteem boost.
Men...beware of a woman wearing red lipstick. You may think you can resist but you can't. LOL
The shade of red--Bonita from Avon.
The clothing---black pencil skirt and a fitted red/black/white blouse
The shoes--Black low heeled boots
The effect--unbelievable. Co-workers, patients, strangers all stopped and noticed.
I tell ya ladies...find your perfect shade of red and use it. It's a great self-esteem boost.
Men...beware of a woman wearing red lipstick. You may think you can resist but you can't. LOL
Saturday, January 10, 2009
She don't know she's beautiful....
Of course, "she" doesn't refer to me!! LOL...sad but true.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?? Well, I think I'm beautiful.
Not really more to add to that!!
Always
Miche
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?? Well, I think I'm beautiful.
Not really more to add to that!!
Always
Miche
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A Kiss is just a Kiss....
Or is it???
I kissed someone last week. He's a co-worker. He wanted to kiss me so I let him. The first kiss was a quick little kiss. He used the whole mistletoe excuse. At first I just brushed him off as being silly but then I realized he was quite intent on kissing me so I let him.
Then he sent me a text telling me how soft and sensual my lips were and that now he wanted more. LOL...of course he did!! Who could resist the power of my kiss??
So later, he called me into one of the rooms in the back. I thought there was something wrong with a patient. He pulled me into the room, shut the door, grabbed me and really kissed me. I was floored!! It really made my entire body hot.
Afterwards, I had to think about it. Did I get all hot and bothered because HE was kissing me or was it because I was being kissed?? I haven't been kissed like that since March or even May. I think it was May. Which ever month it was, it's been WAY too long!!!
I still don't know why I got all hot and bothered. But I do know that it made me miss HIM and HIS kisses. UGH!!! Why?? Why can I not get over him?? Why do I still love him?? ERRR.... It drives me insane that if I think of any type of physical contact with a man, I want it to be with him. Oh well, someday it will be different but for today...
I still long for his touch, for his kiss, for the sound of his voice. And that's ok for now.
I kissed someone last week. He's a co-worker. He wanted to kiss me so I let him. The first kiss was a quick little kiss. He used the whole mistletoe excuse. At first I just brushed him off as being silly but then I realized he was quite intent on kissing me so I let him.
Then he sent me a text telling me how soft and sensual my lips were and that now he wanted more. LOL...of course he did!! Who could resist the power of my kiss??
So later, he called me into one of the rooms in the back. I thought there was something wrong with a patient. He pulled me into the room, shut the door, grabbed me and really kissed me. I was floored!! It really made my entire body hot.
Afterwards, I had to think about it. Did I get all hot and bothered because HE was kissing me or was it because I was being kissed?? I haven't been kissed like that since March or even May. I think it was May. Which ever month it was, it's been WAY too long!!!
I still don't know why I got all hot and bothered. But I do know that it made me miss HIM and HIS kisses. UGH!!! Why?? Why can I not get over him?? Why do I still love him?? ERRR.... It drives me insane that if I think of any type of physical contact with a man, I want it to be with him. Oh well, someday it will be different but for today...
I still long for his touch, for his kiss, for the sound of his voice. And that's ok for now.
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