The Long and Winding Road Part 2...

So, I had a lot of requests for songs for my long trip home from my family and friends.  And me being the vain entertainer that I am, had to oblige.  Even though my mom, Murphy and Michelle begged me not to!  lol...I blame Cassie!!

Now, I was much more careful on the way back than I was on the way there.  I waited until it stopped raining.  I wasn't speeding while I was recording.  And I kept my hands on the wheel MOST of the time!!  I had to keep my mom happy!!  =)

For my Prima...

Everyone needs a little Michael Buble

For All the Ladies...

For Murphy...

For Him who shall remain Nameless...

The ride home was pretty much uneventful EXCEPT for a minor hiccup in Louisiana.  I got pulled over for the thousandth time for speeding. 

Now, me getting pulled over for speeding has happened every now and again.  I've been very fortunate in that I haven't received a ticket for speeding since 1991 when I was driving with my sister in Idaho.  It's not that I flirt or use any special tactic to get out of tickets.  I always assume I'm going to get a ticket.  I joke and accept my fate.  I mean I was speeding.  I deserve the ticket.  But for whatever reason, I have always managed to get a warning.

Until now...

I was going 75 in a 60.  Yep, I'm THAT cool.  The cop was great.  We actually talked about my cruise.  Told him about the delivering of school supplies.  He was really impressed with us.  Gave him some tips about cruising.  I actually thought for the first time that I was gonna get out of another ticket.  BUT...I got the ticket.  A $297 speeding ticket.  

My luck had run out!!  

Now, I pay attention to my speed.  I am no longer a Speed Demon.  It's all fun and games until you have to pay a speeding ticket!!  Good thing I had already posted all my videos!!  lol...

The Long and Winding Road....

Once again this year I went on a cruise with my bestest of friends and my BFF, Michelle.  Once again, we sailed out of Ft. Lauderdale and once again, I drove.  However, this time, I drove the 16 hour drive by myself.  It was great!!  Sorta, kinda...not really.  It started off awesome until I got TIRED!!  I went to work Wednesday morning, left around 1pm, headed to Houston, dropped Wyatt off and then started heading out around 6pm.  I wanted to make Pensacola and then stop.  Well, that really didn't happen.  I was exhausted when I hit Alabama so I pulled over and attempted to sleep in the back seat of my car.  I think I got about 2 hours of sleep.

So, at about 5 am on Thursday morning, I head back out.  I hit I-75 and headed south.  I was doing well until 9am.  I had already taken on 5hr energy drink because I was only about 5 hours from my destination.  But that wore off and I needed to stay awake.  So, I did what I always do when I'm on a long road trip and need to stay awake...

I turned the music up on my iPod, sang at the top of my lungs and danced in my seat.  Now, to be fair, I should warn you that I didn't know that you could hear me singing.  The music was so loud in the car that I couldn't hear myself so I assumed (incorrectly) that the videos would be more of a lip sync but alas...it was not.  So, here is how I stayed awake...

Click the links and enjoy!!

My poor Momma! I have no Shame!!

Yes, I sure hit those notes!!

SSSSSSSSugar!!!!

Seriously, How do I NOT have a recording contract??

I know. I know. I am just THAT GOOD!! lol

Both hands on the wheel?? What?? I'm dancing!!

So, I was having SO much fun recording and these videos that I missed my exit off 75.  I missed it by 30 minutes which ended up taking me almost 2 hours out of my way.  That was just 2 hours too many.  Everyone was waiting on me in Ft Lauderdale.  By the time I got on the Turnpike and headed in the right direction, I was DELIRIOUS!!  Then it started raining!!  Then I'm pretty much on the verge of tears.  I pulled up to a toll booth.  You KNOW you're in trouble when the toll lady tells you that you look tired and suggests you pulling over into their parking lot and either take a nap or walk around.  lol..so I parked, peed and walked around.

Got back in my car and started again.  I've been up over 24 hours at this point and I am FEELING it.  Then it starts POURING down the rain...

Can I cry now??  I'm going 30 miles an hour if that because I can't see.  I'm EXHAUSTED and I have a DEATH grip on the steering wheel.  I almost get into an accident so I pull over at a rest stop.  I try to sleep but it's too muggy.  I smoke a cigarette but it's just gross.  My tongue feels like sandpaper.  My eyes sting.  My head hurts.  My shoulders are like rocks from all the stress.  So, I fall asleep for maybe an hour.  I get back on the road because EVERYONE is waiting on me.

I finally get close to Ft Lauderdale.  It's raining like nobody's business.  I almost get into 2 more wrecks.  I take a wrong turn on 595 and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I lost it.  I started bawling.  I made a reservation at the closest Marriott.  Pulled over in a parking lot and passed out for 3 hours out of sheer exhaustion!!  Woke up.  Drove to the Marriott, checked in and passed out. 

I failed to notify any of my friends so they were FREAKED out because they knew I had been driving for WAY too long and that I was exhausted.  

I slept like a baby!!  Woke up the next morning and found my friends!!  

Next time, I won't get caught up making stupid videos entertaining my FB peeps and miss my exit!!  

Lesson learned...

I Am I Said

To no one there

And no one heard at all

Not even the chair.

I am, I cried

I am, said I

And I am lost and I can't even say why.

Leavin' me lonely still.

This song popped into my head a couple of weeks ago and I haven't been able to get rid of it.  I'm not really sure why as I have listened to it several times in the hopes of it going away with no luck.  So, here is my attempt to get it out of my head!!

I am...the two of the most powerful words.  For what you put after them shapes your reality.



I am....

Beautiful

Intelligent

Funny

Insane

Conservative

Caring

Wise

Stupid

Friendly

Cold

Positive

Dark

Hard-working

Lazy

Spoiled

Blessed

Spiritual

Happy

Crazy
Confident
Vain


But most of all, I AM ME!!!


Yes, I suffer from depression.  Yes, it can be debilitating.  Yes, it is a mental illness.  Yes, it is difficult.  No, I can't say I'm better.  No, I don't want to lose my fight. 


I have strength beyond all understanding.  I woke up this morning and I hope to wake up every morning for a very long time.  I have loved and have been loved. 


I am...a Success story!!







Suicide is Painless

'Cause suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please

and you can do the same thing if you please.

A lot of attention has been given to the death of Sandra Bland.  Plenty of people, especially her family, do not believe she committed suicide.  This belief comes from the fact that she appeared happy and was living a happy and blessed life.  The more and more people I see people post pictures of her with her beautiful smile and comment that there is NO WAY she could have killed herself because she was so happy, I want to scream!!  No, I want to SCREAM!!!!




Let me let you in on a little secret.  My smile hides the darkness.  It hides the despair.  It hides the numbness.  My smile hides EVERYTHING I don't want you to see. 

Depression DOES NOT mean that I don't know how blessed I am.  Depression DOES NOT mean I am not fully aware of the love of those around me.  Depression DOES NOT mean that I don't know how much my Father in Heaven loves me.  Depression DOES NOT mean I am unaware of my worth.


I have suffered from depression for FOREVER it seems.  It sucks in a major way.  It's been over a year that I came close to suicide.  It's almost been a year since I checked myself into the hospital for a 72-hr psych hold.  It's been almost 6 months since I have contemplated suicide.  Needless to say, it has been a rough patch for me.


My family has never seen me at my worst.  My friends would FREAK if they ever saw it.  I say this because the only person who has seen me in my full-on depressive state got scared.  I mean, SCARED.  It was then after YEARS of yelling at me and not understanding and not WANTING to understand that he GOT it.  He could see it but even worse, he could FEEL it.  I allowed him to see EVERYTHING.  It was ugly and it scared him.  The depth of despair.  The complete apathy.  It was SO not "Michelle".


It comes as no surprise to me that Ms. Bland's family was unaware of her depression.  If it weren't for the fact that it runs in my family and I let them I was diagnosed, they wouldn't have a clue.  And even though they know my depression is chronic, they have been completely oblivious to how bad it really is.  I chose to hide it from them because of all the problems my family already faces. 


I was diagnosed in 2007.  I've been suffering from depression since 1993-ish.  It wasn't until 2 years ago that I started telling people that I suffer from depression.  It's only been in the past year that I have learned to embrace it. 


I am no longer ashamed of it.  It is part of who I am.  It is something I struggle with on a daily basis.  I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY!!  There are plenty of people who don't believe me because I am the one with the smile.  The one who makes them laugh.  The one who brings a positive energy to their days.  The one who never seems down.  And I am all that.  I also have to be VERY careful not to ignore my depression.  I can never forget about it.  That would be dangerous.


Heavenly Father blessed me with depression.  Somehow, somewhere, I will help someone because of it.  Don't get me wrong, I wish I didn't have it.  It sucks beyond all sucking.  My dark days are DARK and my good days are just a lighter shade of grey.  I worry about triggers ALL the time.  I don't know when one will occur and that drives me nuts.  But, I know that my experience will help someone. 


I mean, there has to be SOME good that comes out of this, right?? 


Just remember, it's REALLY dangerous to think that just because someone wears a smile and has everything to live for that they wouldn't kill themselves in an instant for sometimes no real reason.  I almost did.  If not for Heavenly Father's promptings and Albert listening to those promptings, I wouldn't be here.  That blackhole is one strong magnet.  It'll suck you in before you know it and your choice is no longer a choice. 


My advice to those who have friends who suffer from depression:  Watch them closely.  Pay attention.  We won't ask for help.  We ALWAYS think we can do it alone.  Don't offer advice.  Don't count their blessings for them.  DO SOMETHING.  Go and PHYSICALLY check in on your friend.  Don't take NO for an answer.  Sit with them.  Watch TV.  Have a beer with them.  Hold their hand.  Let them cry.  Just literally BE there and say NOTHING. 

The Boxer

In the clearing stands a boxer,

And a fighter by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of ev'ry glove that laid him down

Or cut him till he cried out

In his anger and his shame,

"I am leaving, I am leaving"

But the fighter still remains...

Yet another depressive state.  Or rather a downward turn on my ever extending year of depression.  This is truly going to be the death of me. 

I think a majority of people equate depression with sadness.  I can understand why.  Depression is typically depicted as a sadness.  But sadness is at times a by-product of depression.  I am not sad.  I am not angry.  I am just tired and numb.

The other day I posted on FB:  "Sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to give up."

Then there are the words of encouragement.  "Chin up."  "You are so blessed."  "God has something special waiting for you."  "You have so much to live for."  "Don't give up on yourself."  "Don't take the easy way out, you are so much stronger than that."

I love them, I really do.  But seriously??  I'm depressed.  There is no reason for the depression.  I SUFFER from depression.  I know beyond all knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and does His best to keep me away from the black hole.  My self-esteem and self-confidence have not diminished, much to the angst of friends.  I am incredibly self-aware.  I know my faults but they have no bearing in my depression.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Truly, my blessings are as numerous as the sands on the shore.  I'm not even sad. 

I'm numb.  I feel nothing.  I laugh but without the joy of laughter.  I smile without the love behind it.  I listen to my music but I don't feel it.  I see the world in muted colors--there is no brilliance to the sunsets or clouds or rain or landscapes.  Everything is dead because I feel dead inside.

I am so incredibly tired.  I am tired of fighting.  I fight every day to stay alive.  I fight every hour to keep it all together.  I fight every minute to keep myself from crying.  I fight every morning to get out of bed so that no one knows how close I am.  I fight every night to keep myself occupied so that I don't do something stupid.  I don't want to fight anymore.  I'm on the ground waiting for the fight to be called.  I'm listening to the count, hoping the fight gets called, not wanting to get back up. 

Friends keep saying not to give up, not to quit.  I don't want to disappoint them.  But I'm the one getting pummeled.  I'm the one with the broken body.  I'm the one with the broken heart and broken mind.  Why do they want me to keep fighting??  Do they enjoy seeing me bruised, bloody and broken??  Have I not fight the good fight??  Have I not given everything to this life??  Don't I serve the rest that comes after throwing in the towel??

How can my friends be so cruel?? 

But I continue to fight so that I don't disappoint anyone.  And the fight is killing me.  Something has to give and I fear it will be me.