I Dreamed a Dream

 

I am no longer pregnant.

I will not be a mother.

I will not have a child.

Not now.

 

I dreamed a dream.  More than once.  I have felt this devastation, this anguish before.  It should be easier but it isn't.  It's worse. 

 

I was 31 the first time.  I had just called off my engagement only to discover that I was going to be a mom.  Never had I expected to feel love so deep for someone else.  Words cannot describe the wonderment, the awe, the sheer joy I felt.

 

And then I was lost.  Dead inside. 

 

Years have gone by.  My dream of being a mom has faded like the light fades into darkness. I had come to terms with never being a mom.  There have been young men and children throughout these years who have turned to me as they would have to their mother if she had been there.  So, I have been fulfilled to some degree by all these wonderful moments and these amazing young men and children.  That hole, that emptiness that once was vast had dwindled to a tiny corner of my heart. 

 

And then, hope found it's way back.  I tried not to think about it.  Ignore it.  Because if it was taken away from me again, I couldn't imagine the heartbreak.  I was younger before and the hope was there that it would happen again.  My youth is no longer with me.  My body is not as it once was.  The chances of losing my little bean were far greater than keeping it and I refused to open myself up completely to the hope. 

 

And now, I am empty.  Lost. 

 

I'm 44.  Not old but by no means young.  I'm plagued with doubt that I will ever get pregnant again.  I'm not even sure that I want to.  This pain is unbearable.  This anguish may consume me yet. 

 

I will grieve now.  The support of my family and friends has sustained me for the past few days.  Yes, I began to miscarry the day after my last post.  I am heartbroken.  There are no words that can comfort me.  No arms that can console me.  Peace will come but not right now.

 

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

 

Now life has killed

 

The dream I dreamed.



I'd Like to Teach the Word to Sing

One of my all-time favorite commercials!  How can you just not sing a-long with it??

 

I love Coca-Cola.  I always have!!

 

I always will... 

 

Most people who know me KNOW that I must have a Coke every morning.  It is my "coffee". 

Me without my morning Coke:

 

Me with my morning Coke:

 

 

I kid you not!!

 

Several years ago, I tried to quit my Coke habit.  I stopped drinking Coke cold-turkey.  I knew it would be rough on me, however I didn't realize how rough it would be on my co-workers.  My Coke deprivation only lasted 3 days.  Thursday morning I walked into the office and there on my cubicle desk was a 12 pack of Coke with a post-it that simply said PLEASE.   LOL...

 

I get really testy without my morning Coke.  My sister used to live with me and when I was home, she wouldn't come out of her room until she heard the distinct sound of me opening a can of Coke.

 





 

I told my employees that if I come across as being really snippy or testy to ask me "Have you had your Coke today?"  And they did!!  In fact they made sure to stock 8 ouces bottles in their desks to ensure I was never without!  In fact at my "Going Away" pot-luck, this is what they made for me...

 

 

I love Coca-Cola!!

 

I'm sure you are wondering why I am telling you all of this.  Well, because I can't drink Coke right now.  It isn't that I'm forbidden to drink it.  I just can't!!  It gives me the WORST kind of heartburn and if I don't get heartburn, it makes me nauseated.  I try to get a little in every morning so that if I should interact with anyone, I am pleasant.  I can barely finish an 8oz bottle of Coke.  I used to drink a 20oz bottle in about 2 minutes. 

 

I can't believe that this baby doesn't like Coke!  This is gonna be a FUN pregnancy!!  Heaven help us all!!  lol...

 

 

I have this sign!!  =)