Who Let The Dogs Out???

Me...That's Who!

I just love my Wyatt. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.

It's been raining something awful here the past couple of weeks. Which worked well with my depression but not so well for going outside. When we did go outside, it would be miserable hot or nasty wet. Well, my amazing dog decided after fetching his ball twice on a particularly hot day to stretch himself out on top of an ant pile.

Well, I was unaware of this at the time. But it became apparent rather quickly that something was amiss. He was scratching a little more than normal. He's got dry skin so he scratches alot.

So, after some extensive research online as to how to handle this, my high school friend, Carlita, told me to give him Benedryl and use zinc oxide. I go to WalMart to get the goods. I decide to forego the pills and get the Children's Benedryl Liquid because I figured he'd do better with it than the regular Benedryl pills. What the HELL was I thinking??

My day was HORRIBLE yesterday. I was angry for no reason. People breathing irritated the snot out of me. The doctors were annoying and acting like it was my fault that we were behind and not the fact that they didn't come in until 9 and had an 8 o'clock appointment! So, I'm running around trying to take vitals, answer the phones, greet the patients, ice the patients that got their injections and answer the new patient questions. Georgia, our physical therapist, helped me out a ton! It was already 12:15 and we still had 2 patients to see so Georgia went out in all the rain to get me something to eat.

She walks in and says...I hate to put a cherry on the top of your day but your back tire is flat.

I almost cried.

I didn't know what I was gonna do. I texted my ex b/f for help but I knew he was asleep. So, I was at a loss. But lo and behold, an angel came to my rescue. The sister of a new patient said she had a compressor and it would inflate my tire. Then the son of a current patient offered to help. They saw me running around like a mad woman so they asked for my keys and they did everything for me!! How wonderful was that??

Then, I go to get my tire changed at WalMart and pick up the stuff for Wyatt. The tire guy makes me laugh so freaking hard that I pee my pants. He didn't notice. He gave me his number and said that he'd take care of getting my other tire off if I bought the tire to replace it at WalMart. It was a great end to a lousy day.

Oh, but back to the original reason for the post: Wyatt and Liquid Benedryl

I came home after a long day thinking that I would alleviate Wyatt's discomfort. So, me being the ever naive mom thought he'd just drink his medicine like a good dog. LMAO...really?? I thought that!! Silly, Silly Miche!!

By the time I managed to get one of the TWO capfuls for his weight, there was Benedryl on his neck, on my foot, all over my hands and all over the rug. The second capful went down a bit easier only because most of it actually got into his mouth. lol...

Now, this morning, I wasn't even gonna try but I knew I had to. I was already dressed for work and I thought today, he'll do better. Golly Neds...when will I stop being so naive?? At the first sign of trouble, I stopped and let him itch all day today.

I was getting ready to leave work when I had a total brainstorm!! We have syringes!! So I grabbed a couple and I was ready for battle! Well, so was Wyatt! lol...although this time 95% of the medicine went in his mouth, I had to do it 5 times. I had to pin him down and put the syringe on the side of his mouth each time but by golly, I prevailed. And he has stopped itching for the moment. Now, I'm almost out of Benedryl because my monster of a dog requires 80-100mgs of Benedryl every 4-6 hours. Roughly translated, that is approximately 8 teaspoons every time.

So, it's back to the store for more Benedryl, although this time I'm taking everyone's advice and getting the freaking pills!! For now, I gotta give him ANOTHER bath because he's all sticky and smells like medicine! How fun for me!!

Who Can It Be Now??

Well, well...look at that. It's my frienemy, Depression.

Yes, Depression came by for what I thought was an overnight stay and it turned into a three-week visit. I actually thought he had left but there were hints and strange occurrences that said otherwise. I chose to ignore them but now, I can see it.

I was really surprised this time. I was actually functional. I got up for work and performed reasonably well. My lack of Michelle-ishness I attributed to my sinuses. I've been having some serious sinus drainage and I figured my lack of enthusiasm and energy was due to that. I tried so hard during the week to be on the top of my game that by the time the weekend rolled around, I was so drained that I just could NOT get out of bed.

Poor Wyatt!! He hasn't gone to the dog park in three weeks. I have managed to take him on the short walks up the way to the open field almost every day that it didn't rain but it just isn't the same. He's gotten some exercise and he's played a great deal with the dogs in the neighborhood but still. Not being a good mom to him made things even worse for me.

There are a lot of things going on in my life and in my head that triggered this depressive state. Stressing out over everything sure didn't help the cause. Georgia, the physical therapist at work, had me lie down while she worked on my neck and shoulders last week. She was shocked at how incredibly tight I was. I couldn't even feel her working on me. I felt her hands on my neck but as far as her actually doing anything...nada.

Now, my life is not bad. I'm incredibly blessed. But several weeks ago (three to be exact) I had to ask for help. It made me completely sick to my stomach. It was the starting point. Then other things came into play and I began to see my actions as those of someone really weak. And we all know how THAT sits with me.

I haven't gone to church. I haven't read my scriptures. I haven't said my prayers. I haven't cleaned. I haven't even gone out of the house. I've been blaming it all on my sinuses.

That stopped today. Last night as I laid awake in my bed, I realized that my lack of Michelle-ishness wasn't due to my sinuses but due to depression. My eyes were opened. For years, I assumed my sinuses were the cause of my inability to get out of bed and now even after I've been diagnosed with depression and have learned to recognize the symptoms, it was so easy for me to disregard them as side effects of my sinuses.

So, today, I kicked Depression's sorry butt out of my house and started over. I cleaned. Well, I cleaned everything but my room. lol...that is a bit overwhelming at the moment and I didn't want Depression to find a way back in. I actually showered and brushed my teeth--something I have reserved for work days. I just finished reading my scriptures and now I'm blogging. It feels good to accomplish things.

There are a lot of things in my life that didn't turn out the way I expected. In fact, there isn't a single thing in my life that has. I've never been married. I don't have children. I don't have the house or the great job. I didn't stay strong in the church. I haven't made very many good decisions. My relationship with my family was not good. My relationships with men have been less than desirable. I let people down. I don't keep in touch with people that I truly care about. I don't do a lot of things I should. I do a lot of things I shouldn't. I'm not the nicest of people and I have a difficult time showing emotion.

But with all that being said, I have been blessed with wonderful opportunities. Opportunities to learn and grow. Many a time I've had to learn and grow again and again. I'm ok with not having been married. I've come close several times. I was pregnant and I know what it feels like to have all the promise and hope of a life within. I have been loved. I have been a heartbreaker but I've also been the broken-hearted. When I say I love you, I mean it. My mom and my sister are my best friends. My brother, Michael, is the most wonderful spirit and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. My relationship with my Dad is better than it was. I have Wyatt whom I love and who teaches me everyday that the world does not revolve around me! I have been blessed to learn that no matter how far astray I've gone, that there is always a path back to the straight and narrow. My religion has brought me such comfort and hope and the people in my ward have helped me feel of my Savior's love for me. I have a nice little mobile home that is not much but is perfect for me as I work my way back. I found a great job with the help of my Heavenly Father. I have amazing friends who help me to laugh at myself and who make me forget all my troubles and worries.

So, basically.......So What!! My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. It turned out exactly the way it should. I'm a stronger and wiser woman for it. I may be a Bitch but I'm a Bitch with a heart of gold. I may not share my emotions with you but I will share anything and everything I have if it helps you. I may not have a lot of money or material possessions but I have my smile, my laughter and my hugs to help you through. I'm not the best of friends but I can be a best friend. I'm not a religious woman but I am very spiritual. I may talk a lot but I can listen when you need me to. I'm not the funniest in my family...heck I'm dead last in that category but I promise, I can make you laugh when you need it the most. And I think that with all that, my life and me turned out rather well.

Now that Depression has been shown the door, I'll just sit here and revel in my rediscovered awesomeness and wait for the next knock on my door. Hopefully, it'll be a tall and handsome man with a winning smile!! lol...hey, I can dream!!

Mother I Love You...

Mother, I love you; mother, I do

Father in Heaven has sent me to you.

When I am near you, I love to hear you

Singing so softly that you love me too.

Mother, I love you; I love you, I do.

The primary children sang this in church today and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I couldn't help but cry. How I've longed to hear a child sing that to me. It's heartbreaking to not have that joy in my life.

I wasn't going to go to church today because it WAS Mother's Day. It hurts more and more as each year passes. Today was no different. Even worse, as the women were leaving sacrament meeting, the young men were handing out little flower pots and telling the women Happy Mother's Day. My eyes welled up with tears yet again. Of all the things in this world that I've desired, the desire to have a child of my own and to be a mother has been the greatest.

I was pregnant once. He/She would be 9 if I hadn't miscarried. The devestation that followed that miscarriage still hasn't been completely fixed. It's likely it never will be. I always thought that when I did have a child, it would go a long way to filling the void left by the miscarriage.

The feelings are so hard to express. When I found out I was pregnant, it was the weirdest thing. I had always wanted to be a mom. That's what little girls are supposed to want. And Mormon girls even more so. But I wasn't married, nor did I intend on marrying the father. I had broken off the engagement three weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I should have been scared. I should have been worried. But in the moment it took me to accept the fact that I was going to have a baby, I knew all my hopes and dreams had been fulfilled. I was inexplicably happy and even more thrilled that I was going to be a mom. I fell completely in love with my baby in that instant. I did everything that I needed to do to ensure that my baby would be healthy. Everything I did, I did for my baby.

Then on April 11, 2000, while I was in Seattle visiting the father, I miscarried. I was in complete shock. I still am. How could this happen?? Emotionally, I was destroyed. Spiritually, I was in darkness. Mentally, I was unstable. Physically, I was fine. There were the customary platitudes--"I'm so sorry", "I know how hard it is for you", "This won't be your only chance to have a baby", blah blah blah. I just wanted to hit everyone. There were those who could in some way relate because they had had a miscarriage but I couldn't accept that their devestation was a great as mine. Most of them either already had children or went on to have them. I did not. I have not. I'm not sure that I ever will.

Today was hard. I welled up with tears every other minute. My friend, Tyler, and I were texting and I told him today was a bad day. He asked why and I told him to think about it. This is how he responded to me: "well for what its worth michelle...youve been a mother to many young men who werent able to be around their own. continue to look @ways you can be a mother figure to others and I think you'll see where other happiness can be found. your amazing michelle!" Isn't that the greatest compliment?? To me it is. Even as I reread it, tears start running down my face. I know he's right. I just wanted it all and it doesn't appear that was meant for me. But I know that the love I have for those around me is a never-ending well. Just like a mother's love.

In the end, the day turned out alright. Wyatt was waiting for me when I got home. His tail was just a wagging. He jumped up and gave me a kiss and I knew that if nothing else, I was his mom. So, we packed up and we went to the dog park where he met a couple of new dogs and hung out with dogs he already knew. Just watching him play and then come over and sit by me for a while, mended this broken heart a little more. I love my Wyatt. He may not be the baby I wanted but he's the baby I'd never give away!!

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart...

You go to church, that's what you do!!

I went to my new ward for the first time on Sunday and I had a great experience. The ward is small but the people seem to be wonderful.

I met with the 2nd counselor after church and gave him my info so my records could be transferred. I met the missionaries and talked to them for a while. It was a very nice time. I'm going to the church tomorrow to see if I can meet with the bishop. Hopefully, I'll get a calling in order to get me in the groove again. Just about everybody I met said that I'll be put to work soon. I'm a bit nervous about it all but I know that it is what I must do.

There are things that I want out of life and one of them is to get married. I've decided that I'm going to put my faith to the test and do all that is required of me and I'm sure that the Lord will bless me with the desires of my heart as he has promised all His children.

Here's to the next stage of my life!!

Moving Right Along...

Well, our grand adventure is over. Wyatt and I are home safe and fairly exhausted. It was a great three weeks almost four weeks and I hope Wyatt feels the same. It was great having him with me. My stress level was almost non-existant because I got to see him every day. Plus sleeping went so much better with him snoring in my ear!!

First was our road trip to Phoenix. It was our first real road trip together. I knew Wyatt liked to go for rides but I wasn't sure how he would take this kind of drive. I wouldn't have taken him at all if it weren't for the fact that I couldn't board him because his stitches hadn't completely disintegrated. God works in mysterious ways!! A good friend of mine had passed away and it was important to me that I should be there and Wyatt came with. He had to get used to the different stops we would make but once he figured them out, he did AWESOME. He came to realize that he wasn't getting out if I pulled up to a gas pump or if I pulled up to the front of a gas station. Those stops were for me. He would get to get out if we pulled to the side of the gas station or at a rest stop. Other than that, he loved lounging in the back of the Jeep. And when it was time for me to get in the back and sleep, he'd sit in the driver's seat and watch over me until he got tired and then he'd curl up beside me. What a great dog.

Our next stop was Huntsville, AL. It was a small town but it had some big perks. The dog park was about 3 minutes from the hotel and we went almost every other day. Wyatt had so much fun once he got used to hanging with dogs and not humans. He made some great friends and spent hours playing. We spent a lot of time walking around the hotel as there was plenty of open spaces to walk. He just didn't like me going to work and leaving him. It's something he'll definitely have to get used to. I think he just needs to be convinced a little more that when I leave, I'll be coming back. He's used to me leaving and not seeing me for a very long time and it's a mind set I'm committed to erasing.

Next was Spartanburg, SC. We were only a week there but it was nice. Neither Wyatt nor I had a chance to do anything. We stuck around the hotel and that's pretty much it. Not too much fun for either of us although I did get to go to work.

Finally, we were free and we headed to Pittsburgh. I saw a few old friends at church and felt at home there. Wyatt stayed in the car during church but I went out in between meetings to walk him around the building. Everyone who saw him thought he was gorgeous. After church we went to the Northside and waited for the Elders and BK. We played in the park for a bit and then hung out in the back of the Jeep. The Elders and BK came and I got my boxes. Then they played with Wyatt for about 2 hours. He had so much fun!! After we got into the car, it took him a whole 3 minutes to start snoring!!

I went to see my cousin, Christie, and her boys. We ended up talking and laughing until 1am. It took me all of 10 minutes to break three of her rules and the kids calld me on it. Patrick said..."We aren't supposed to hate. And we don't say stupid or shut-up." LOL...UGH!! I just loving hanging out with Christie. She and I just make each other laugh. I mean, honestly, she's a total germaphobe and I'm SO not. LOL..our first real laugh was over washing a soda can so Patrick could drink out of it. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe!! She's such a good friend. We talked about all the Campos drama. She even let Wyatt sleep inside the house!! I love her for that!! Of course, Lucy, her dog wasn't too thrilled about Wyatt. And Wyatt was a bit intimidated by Lucy. LOL..he was freaked out by her even though she's a whole 6 lbs and he's 67 lbs.

From Christie's we headed to Faron's. Faron is an old high school classmate that I reconnected with on Facebook. He and his wife have become pretty good friends of mine this past year and a half. That visit turned out to be one Wyatt is glad we followed through on. Faron's dog, Roxy, and Wyatt spent the entire time rough-housing with each other. It was pretty much non-stop until Roxy was put in her room so we could eat dinner. Roxy's head was covered in Wyatt's spit. It was gross!! But it made me so happy that they hit it off so well and both played the same way. Wyatt had a hard time leaving. As for Faron, he hasn't changed too much since high school. His hair has a ton more grey but otherwise, you would definitely recognize him. Tracy, his wife, is a wonderful woman and I liked her immediately. His kids, Brooklynn and Bradlee, had to warm up to me but in the end I won them over. I felt at home at Faron's. It was a great visit although we failed to take a single picture while I was there!! Silly us!!

The ride back to Houston was long and I've got bruises on my outer hips from sleeping in the back of the Jeep and it's rock hard surface. But last night I slept in my rock hard bed and I felt better. Well, actually, it's not MY bed but it's good enough for now. I'll get my bed soon enough.

Now, it's time to settle into a routine and get myself a job here in Houston. Things are looking up. I've started reading my scriptures and I've decided to quit my traveling job. I'm ready to take this leap of faith. I know it's what I need to do but it's been my security blanket for so long. So, the job hunt begins and the search for my spiritual self has begun. All will be well!!

Yesterday...

All my troubles seemed so far away. But now it looks as though they are here to stay.

I love this song. But when sitting down and reflecting on my life and it's ups and downs over the past few months, I have to that even though my troubles haven't necessarily gone away, I know that they are not here to stay.

This past weekend I went out with my sister and had a total blast!! The birthday party we were going to was cancelled and so we decided to go out for a drink. We ended up at Joe's Crab Shack where we met Tammy, our server, and Gayla, another server. Krystl and I shared a meal and had a few drinks. We laughed and joked around with Tammy, Gayla and the rest of the servers until about midnight. We even joined in on a couple of the "dances" that they perform.

Tammy invited us to go to Fast Eddie's for a night cap with her and her boyfriend so we tagged along bringing Gayla with us. We laughed so freaking hard that I was sore the next day. We gave Gayla a ride home and then crashed. It was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. My blahs were no longer blahs.

I'm so glad that I'm here in Houston right now. I just got a little mobile home on the other end of town for me and Wyatt. Mom's apartment complex kicked Wyatt out and I went with him. I love my little home. It isn't much but it is perfect for right now. It has a little bit of a yard that Wyatt can play in and we sit outside almost every day and hang and play fetch.

There's still a few things that I need to get to make it complete but for now, it's home and I like it. It's a nice little park with about 27 units. I believe everyone who lives here is Hispanic. There is a little man that comes every day on his bike with stuff for sell. We know he's coming because he blows his little horn all the way down the way. People come and go with their Mexican/Tejano music playing full blast while I sit on my porch playing my NON-Mexican/Tejano music. I have 4 cds of "Mexican" music loaded on my iPod--Linda Rondstadt's Canciones de mis Padres, La Mafia-Exitos en Vivo, Shakira--Pies Descalzos and Donde Estan Los Ladrones. So, I'm a bit of an oddity here in my little neighborhood.

I found out today that my next project was postponed until April. I freaked out because I was counting on having a paycheck to help with the bills and pay April's rent. I applied for unemployment today and they backdated it to February when I last worked. I was so very grateful. I should have some money coming in by next week. That's a good thing for me and for Wyatt!! The only GOOD thing about the project being postponed is that now I have a few weeks to put out applications here in Houston!! I want to get off the road!!

Hopefully, something will come along soon because my butt is super numb from sitting on it all day long and my eyes are going crazy because I'm staring at the computer screen either playing Top Fish or Mafia Wars or Poker on Facebook or just plain goofing off on Facebook!!

Tomorrow...I'm treating Wyatt to a day at Doggie Day Care. He deserves it. He's been great all week and it'll give him the chance to interact with other dogs. He needs to work on his social skills. Although this past weekend at the Humane Society he did really well. So well, in fact, that I got several compliments on how well behaved he was and how well he listened. I was so proud of him because normally he acts like I'm not talking to him!!

For now, I am happy where I am. I am happy that I have Wyatt and that we can spend this time together!! I'm grateful for all the yesterdays because they brought me today. Tomorrow is never promised but I have faith that there will be many more tomorrows to smile about!!