These last two months have been a doozy. I haven't been working and my church attendence has been scattered. I'd like to be able to blame this perpetual downfall on my circumstances and/or those who are around me. But it has and is my fault.
The missionaries--Elder Walker and Elder Marr--came over this afternoon. They had made an appointment with me for tomorrow but they called yesterday and wanted to change it to today. I never returned the call because I was going to do the old Michelle move and avoid and ignore. It tends to work. However, my efforts were thwarted today, when they showed up and Albert actually came home on time. Therefore they gained access INTO the house via Albert. I was asleep. Yes, it was 4pm and I was asleep. I was having a really bad day and I decided it would be best for me to simply sleep through it.
So, they come in and Albert makes me get out of bed to at least greet them.
I'm so grateful to Albert for that. And even more than that, I'm grateful that he stayed in the room and listened to everything. He really is a great guy.
The missionaries want to build me back up by starting at the beginning and give me the lessons they give the investigators. As much as I hate to admit it, I think they are right. I balked at first because it just didn't make sense to go over things that I already KNOW. But as Elder Marr pointed out, the "tree" that I had initially planted had started to die and even with renewed attempts to nourish it, it wasn't growing....so, we need to start all over and plant a new seed.
Crazy how kids young enough to be my own children are inspired by our Father in Heaven and that they follow through with those promptings to give someone like me hope.
Hope that I can do this.
Hope that even though I should have known better, I can be loved.
Hope that I can and will find enough faith in myself to make it this time.
Hope that I will find what I'm looking for and get what I most deperately want.
This road that I find myself on is one that is all too familiar to me. I've been on it a thousand times before. Maybe this time, just maybe, I'll reach the end of it. I'm not naive nor conceited enough to think that it will be easy or that I won't take a step or two in the wrong direction. I am Michelle, after all.
Here's to hope. Here's to a renewed effort. Here's to the happiness that lies at the end of the road. Here's to two missionaries who cared enough and saw something in me worth the effort. Here's to finding enough faith in myself to believe that I will succeed spiritually.
Done so many things wrong, I don't know if I can do right
Done so many things wrong, I don't know if I can do right
At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget
At this point in my life
At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
You see when I've touched the sky Earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life.
