Who Can It Be Now??

Well, well...look at that. It's my frienemy, Depression.

Yes, Depression came by for what I thought was an overnight stay and it turned into a three-week visit. I actually thought he had left but there were hints and strange occurrences that said otherwise. I chose to ignore them but now, I can see it.

I was really surprised this time. I was actually functional. I got up for work and performed reasonably well. My lack of Michelle-ishness I attributed to my sinuses. I've been having some serious sinus drainage and I figured my lack of enthusiasm and energy was due to that. I tried so hard during the week to be on the top of my game that by the time the weekend rolled around, I was so drained that I just could NOT get out of bed.

Poor Wyatt!! He hasn't gone to the dog park in three weeks. I have managed to take him on the short walks up the way to the open field almost every day that it didn't rain but it just isn't the same. He's gotten some exercise and he's played a great deal with the dogs in the neighborhood but still. Not being a good mom to him made things even worse for me.

There are a lot of things going on in my life and in my head that triggered this depressive state. Stressing out over everything sure didn't help the cause. Georgia, the physical therapist at work, had me lie down while she worked on my neck and shoulders last week. She was shocked at how incredibly tight I was. I couldn't even feel her working on me. I felt her hands on my neck but as far as her actually doing anything...nada.

Now, my life is not bad. I'm incredibly blessed. But several weeks ago (three to be exact) I had to ask for help. It made me completely sick to my stomach. It was the starting point. Then other things came into play and I began to see my actions as those of someone really weak. And we all know how THAT sits with me.

I haven't gone to church. I haven't read my scriptures. I haven't said my prayers. I haven't cleaned. I haven't even gone out of the house. I've been blaming it all on my sinuses.

That stopped today. Last night as I laid awake in my bed, I realized that my lack of Michelle-ishness wasn't due to my sinuses but due to depression. My eyes were opened. For years, I assumed my sinuses were the cause of my inability to get out of bed and now even after I've been diagnosed with depression and have learned to recognize the symptoms, it was so easy for me to disregard them as side effects of my sinuses.

So, today, I kicked Depression's sorry butt out of my house and started over. I cleaned. Well, I cleaned everything but my room. lol...that is a bit overwhelming at the moment and I didn't want Depression to find a way back in. I actually showered and brushed my teeth--something I have reserved for work days. I just finished reading my scriptures and now I'm blogging. It feels good to accomplish things.

There are a lot of things in my life that didn't turn out the way I expected. In fact, there isn't a single thing in my life that has. I've never been married. I don't have children. I don't have the house or the great job. I didn't stay strong in the church. I haven't made very many good decisions. My relationship with my family was not good. My relationships with men have been less than desirable. I let people down. I don't keep in touch with people that I truly care about. I don't do a lot of things I should. I do a lot of things I shouldn't. I'm not the nicest of people and I have a difficult time showing emotion.

But with all that being said, I have been blessed with wonderful opportunities. Opportunities to learn and grow. Many a time I've had to learn and grow again and again. I'm ok with not having been married. I've come close several times. I was pregnant and I know what it feels like to have all the promise and hope of a life within. I have been loved. I have been a heartbreaker but I've also been the broken-hearted. When I say I love you, I mean it. My mom and my sister are my best friends. My brother, Michael, is the most wonderful spirit and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. My relationship with my Dad is better than it was. I have Wyatt whom I love and who teaches me everyday that the world does not revolve around me! I have been blessed to learn that no matter how far astray I've gone, that there is always a path back to the straight and narrow. My religion has brought me such comfort and hope and the people in my ward have helped me feel of my Savior's love for me. I have a nice little mobile home that is not much but is perfect for me as I work my way back. I found a great job with the help of my Heavenly Father. I have amazing friends who help me to laugh at myself and who make me forget all my troubles and worries.

So, basically.......So What!! My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. It turned out exactly the way it should. I'm a stronger and wiser woman for it. I may be a Bitch but I'm a Bitch with a heart of gold. I may not share my emotions with you but I will share anything and everything I have if it helps you. I may not have a lot of money or material possessions but I have my smile, my laughter and my hugs to help you through. I'm not the best of friends but I can be a best friend. I'm not a religious woman but I am very spiritual. I may talk a lot but I can listen when you need me to. I'm not the funniest in my family...heck I'm dead last in that category but I promise, I can make you laugh when you need it the most. And I think that with all that, my life and me turned out rather well.

Now that Depression has been shown the door, I'll just sit here and revel in my rediscovered awesomeness and wait for the next knock on my door. Hopefully, it'll be a tall and handsome man with a winning smile!! lol...hey, I can dream!!