Decisions...

I have decided to move to Houston to be closer to my family.

This decision came about having spent 4 months close to my family. While working in Cleveland, TX, several events changed my perspective of living close to my family.

I've never wanted to live close to them. I'm still unsure how this is going to work out. I have always found it better for me and for them for me to be away. I have very strong opinions of things and I've always felt the need to express them. My opinions have not always been popular with my family but I've never really cared. I always felt it important for them to know where I stood and how I felt.

I think it comes from me being the oldest. I have always felt responsible for the bad decisions or mistakes they have made. Crazy, huh?? I guess it stems from me babysitting Michael and Derrick when I was super young. We're talking 5 or 6. And then when Krystl was born, she was always with me and/or my responsibility. In so many ways, I felt more like a mom than a sister.

I don't blame my parents because it isn't their fault that I feel this way.

I'm also really hesitant because I've had a difficult time with my Dad for the past 10 years or so. My mom and I have had a great relationship and I don't want to ruin it by being there.

Krystl had it out with me last month. She didn't want me around because she felt that I just messed everything up. She was really upset about me moving back.

Derrick had it out with me a couple of weeks ago. He was really nasty about it. I mean UGLY!!

The two of them have always been incredibly judgemental. Not only of me but of Michael. They both tend to hold themselves higher than the two of us. It's always easier to find fault with those around you rather than with yourself. Neither of them have taken the time or energy to really get to know me. I've changed and mostly for the better but neither of them would acknowledge it. They based a lot of their anger on events of the past or hearsay of more recent events.

I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I've really worked on myself and my attitudes. I still have strong opinions but I'm more guarded with expressing them. I've learned to apologize. I've also learned that I hate apologizing and it's just easier NOT saying or doing something than having to apologize for my actions or words.

I'll be living with Derrick until I find a place. This will be the test of all tests. Derrick still has a long of pent up anger regarding me. Some of it is well-founded while most of it is not. I may not have been the best sister but I was the best sister-in-law and aunt that I could be and made decisions that were in the best interest of them at the time. Someday, I hope he'll see that it wasn't malicious but simply concern for the welfare of his family.

I love him dearly but I am fully aware that he has a lot of things to work out. I know he can do it if he would just make his mind up to do it. I also hope that he will learn to accept me as I am. I'm not perfect and I still make mistakes. I am still learning and still changing. I'm doing my best to be the person that my Father in Heaven wants me to be and as difficult as that is, I'm willing to try.

I'm excited that this move will bring me closer to Michael. He's my favorite. I know there shouldn't be a favorite, but he has always been my best friend. I'll get to visit him often and that brings me great comfort. He's such an amazing man!! He's made some BIG mistakes but they were his to make and thankfully, he's learned from them. He's the man that I turn to for advice and laughter. I never lost faith in him and the man he's always been. I may have been hard as hell on him but it was what was needed in order for him to respect me and to understand the depth of my love for him. He's still finding it in his heart to forgive me but he's doing it. He knows that I never saw him as a monster only as a man who made a dumbass decision and then had to pay the consequences. This is a point of contention with me and Derrick. It's still a bit of a sticking point with me and Krystl and me and Dad. But when it all comes down, I love my brother and would give my life for him and his happiness. I will do everything in my power to see that his kids and his ex-wife want for nothing.

I know that this decision will either make or break me. Right now, it's looking like it's gonna break me. I really hope not. I want to be there for my family and I'm hoping I'll find the strength to somehow do it. My nieces and nephew will be the biggest winners in all of this. They are so excited for me to be "home". They have missed me and I have missed them.

I hope to be a better example to all of them. I will need to continue going to church and finding the peace and understanding that I'll need to get through this stepping stone. Maybe, somewhere down the road everyone else will follow suit. It's been an incredibly difficult journey going back to church but one that has been SO worth it. I still stumble and fall but I get up and dust myself off knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me and has provided a way for me to get back on the straight and narrow path that leads back to him.

I hope that my family will see that it is possible to go back. That would be the biggest and best thing to come out of my moving home.

I do love my family. We've been through a lot. And even though I've been absent for a lot of it, I hope they understand that it's what I had to do. I would have made things so much worse!! I made it bad enough when I came home to visit. This is my chance to finally be there for them. Be there for them physically!! I hope I don't disappoint or fail them!! That is my biggest fear.

Always
Miche~