CH..CH...Changes!!

Well, I'm a Texan once again. NOT a Texans fan but an actual Texan.

I flew back into Houston last night. I'm still in shock, I think.

I'm having a very difficult time with this. My whole world seems to be upside down. I have nothing of my own anymore. I sold everything or gave it away. I feel so lost and alone.

I looked for jobs today. I wrote a few down but I'm not sure that I want to commit to anything just yet. I don't want to just get a job. I might give it a couple of weeks and see if another consulting job opens up. It will be a bit before I get my first unemployment check. I have to fax some paperwork in tomorrow.

I have a huge list of things to do and I don't want to do anything. I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out. The worst part is that I gave my comforter away. It's been with me for well over 10 years. It was my protection from vampires and it was my friend on all those lonely and cold nights. It went to a good kid who really needed it but jiminy, I miss my comforter. I don't want to call it my blankie but that's what it was!!

I know this was my decision to make and I made it. But hell, this is rough. I'm where my whole family is and I want to run away already!! I just want to run and hide where I'll never be found.

Everyone seems glad that I'm here. I guess that should make me realize that it's a good thing that I'm here but it really doesn't. I miss my home. I miss my apartment. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I miss everything.

Gosh, what if I get stuck here?? What if something happens and I'm trapped?? Well, there are a lot of what ifs and I start freaking out every time I think about them!! Now that I'm here, I'm not convinced this was a good thing for me. Maybe for my family and for Wyatt but not for me!

Is it selfish to not want to be here?? Is it selfish to want my own life without thinking about my family?? Is it me or am I acting like a spoiled little brat?? I don't care. I don't care today. Maybe tomorrow I will...maybe in a week or a month. But right now, I want to just cry and feel sorry for myself!! I want to scream at everyone that I hate it here.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family!! I'd do anything for them. But I never thought that would mean moving closer to them!! LOL...isn't that an awful thought?? It is, I know. Even as I type it, I realize that I'm being a total bitch. But again, right now, I don't care.

I feel like such a fake, a total fraud. I hate feeling like that!!

Well, Wyatt is happy and that's important. I know Morgainne is really glad to have me back. She really missed me. I just feel bad that I can't be happy right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe this is just a phase that I'll get through. Then again, maybe not.

I just feel so alone in this house full of people!! I know they love me! Derrick even bought another box of Frosted Flakes so that I'd have cereal to eat. Isn't that the coolest thing?? It made me smile this morning. A real smile. He's being so thoughtful.

I'm hoping to get a blessing on Saturday from the missionaries. I know that will help me immensely. I am remembering to take my meds, otherwise I'd be psychotic.

I need to talk to my mom. She got really sick so I haven't been over to see her because she's been sleeping. I need her to tell me it's ok and that I'll get through this. Dean is a little concerned too because I'm so negative. (I'm very rarely this negative.) I just need reassurance that I'm gonna make it. I know it sounds so stupid but I can't help it. That's just how bad it is for me right now. Pathetic, huh?? Most people would jump at the chance to be closer to their family and here I am hating that I decided to do it. What is wrong with me??

There's got to be something wrong with me to not be happy about this!! Is it that I don't like change?? Is it that I'm worried I will change and lose me?? Probably. ERRRRR...this really sucks!! I hate what I'm feeling right now and that makes everything even worse. It's a huge downward spiral and I feel like the only way out is for me to hit rock bottom and then try to salvage what is left.

I just have to remind myself to breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Deep cleansing breaths!!

Well, it's 10:30 and I find myself wanting to go to bed. Not because I'm tired but because it would bring a welcome end to this very sad and very lonely day. Wyatt has been great today. He came outside with me earlier and he just sat beside me and let me pet him. I think he loves me. I hope he loves me. I'm glad he hasn't forgotten to come to bed with me. This morning he put his head on my pillow, fell asleep and started snoring. How cute is that??

Ok, I'm gonna call it a night. Tomorrow maybe better!! Let's hope it's better!! It has to get better, right?? RIGHT??

Always
Miche~